10 excuses for 37 million people

Websites get hacked all the time, data gets stolen and people get indignant. But what if the hacked site has 37 million users, and every one of them is registered for the purpose of conducting some business he or she wishes to keep secret from someone else?

That is the dilemma now facing Avid Life Media (ALM), the company that owns and operates the website for adulterers, AshleyMadison.com. The hacker taking the credit is called the Impact Team, and has no sympathy for either the site or its (presumably mostly male) clients. “Too bad for these men, they’re cheating dirtbags…Too bad for ALM, you promised secrecy and you didn’t deliver,” it states. It’s particularly too bad for ALM, which was planning to put its principals in clover with a forthcoming public share offering.

It’s also too bad for those 37 million users, who are going to have to be prepared to come up with some quick explanations for their bemused spouses (and employers, and children, and mothers) for being found on the site.

To make it easier for them, I offer up the following 10 most handy excuses for use when all others fail:

NUMBER 10: BRAZEN DENIAL
“This is all a hoax; a crude attempt to blackmail me by making it seem my personal profile was on the site. The only company I’ve ever created a profile for is Sears; and even then, only in their lawnmower department.” (Author’s note: Specific examples may be changed to suit the circumstances. For example, ‘Sears’ may become ‘Leon’s’; just be careful to adjust ‘lawnmower’ as well).

NUMBER 9: HAIL MARY PLAY
“I did it for us. I knew that if I registered, there was a good chance the information would be leaked. Now that it’s happened, we can sue Ashley Madison for everything they’ve got. We can retire together and be happy ever after.”

NUMBER 8: MISTAKEN IDENTITY
“It’s not me. It’s another Herman Munster who lives in Welllington, is seven feet tall and likes to have his toes tickled.”

NUMBER 7: LEGITIMATE PURPOSE
“I admit I registered for the site. But I did so because I was doing field research for a presentation I have to make at work on ethical dilemmas.” (Author’s note: There are many variations on this theme, including ‘client development,’ ‘marketing research’ and ‘website design inspection.’)

NUMBER 6: INNOCENT INTENT
“I was surfing the web and after I had finished scanning the ‘10 worst facelifts ever’, I became curious as to whether Laura Ashley and James Madison had ever met. I found this site and rather stupidly thought one of the members of the opposite sex profiled on the site would know the answer.”

NUMBER 5: TECHNICAL IGNORANCE
“Yes, I admit we had a computer at the time, but the only thing I knew how to access the internet for was online poker. So how could I have done it? It must have been our seven-year-old.”

NUMBER 4: NOBLE PURPOSE
“I felt just awful doing it. But I had this persistent feeling that your sister-in-law was cheating on your brother. I did it because I wanted to spare him any more heartbreak, and I know you’ve never really cared for her, although personally I’ve always considered her rather hot. Oops; strike that last sentence.”

NUMBER 3: UNEXPECTED INFERENCE
“Sure, I admit I registered on the site. But it was just a fantasy. How am I ever going to hook up in real life with someone as far away as Moncton?” (Author’s note: if the apologizer is from Fredericton or St. John, this example may have to be changed).

NUMBER 2: TRADITIONAL MALE IMPERFECTION
“Yes, I admit it, I did register on the site. I’m a man who’s not perfect. But is any man perfect? If so, I’d like to meet him. And speaking of imperfection, wasn’t that tuna casserole we had the other night a little bit on the overdone side?” (Author’s note: I struggled over whether to include this one. It’s not as fresh as some other excuses, but the vein it mines is very rich. Note that I have not included such other male classics as the Willie Nelson: “You were always on my mind” ; It Wasn’t Fun Anyway: “Yes I cheated; but I was wracked with guilt the whole time, so it doesn’t count”; and Conditional Capitulation: “Please forgive me for I have sinned. Maybe you’d like to try it too, so I can forgive you and then we’ll be all square”.

NUMBER 1: STRAW MAN
“I have to read the Times so I can keep up with the dates for the church dinners. But every time I come across an article about those darn fools who run municipal council spending my money in some cockeyed way, I get so hot under the collar I lose my judgment and do stupid things. So if there’s any blame to be passed around, blame the Times.” (Author’s note: this one seems to me to be unassailable).

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca