2013 Year in Review

As is customary when the old year passes and the new year begins, the Times looks back over the year that was.

Most staff are home with their families at this point, so that it falls to the most junior guy in the pecking order, namely me, to write the story based on old archives, while everyone else is out having a good time. It is hoped the writer will be forgiven for embellishing the story with sentences, such as this one, devoid of any meaningful narrative contribution, and serving only to advance the writer nearer to his goal of 800 words of copy. No I’m not bitter: let’s just hunker down and get the job done.

In January, Quinte Health Care announced it was cutting the number of beds at the Prince Edward County Memorial Hospital location from 21 to 12, and ending the hospital’s birthing services.

In February, council approved budgets for waste and waste water. The former was set at $3.65 million with $2.39 million in operating costs and $1.27 million in capital costs. The latter was—wait a minute: I’ve got to go get a coffee. It’s the only thing that’s going to keep my head off the table.

That’s better. In March, American R&B singer Jewel Akens died at age 79 from complications following back surgery. Known for the song The Birds and the Bees, which you can probably find on YouTube, so why should I bother? He was the first name to come up on my computer when I searched for notable deaths in March, 2013.

In April, Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne announced that it was all her predecessor’s fault that two gas turbine plants to be located in Oakville and Mississauga were cancelled. However, she said she was very sorry for what had happened and offered to write a personal cheque to cover the cost that would otherwise be borne by taxpayers.

In May, incoming Liberal leader Justin Trudeau announced that royalties from his forthcoming book All body and no bounce: good hair as the ticket to fame would be donated to charitable organizations he had previously charged for speaking to. “It’s a volume about volume,” said a source.

In June, County council held a bonding exercise in numerology. It decided that one is the loneliest number; that 42 is the answer to life, the universe and everything; and that 10 is the ideal number of municipal councillors for someone else to recommend. Flushed with success from this exercise, council is next going to try to settle how many angels can fit on a pinhead.

In July, riot police were called in as a mass stampede threatened to erupt over hard candy thrown onto Main Street in the Wellington Canada Day parade. Fortunately, very little candy was damaged and the annual Eddie and the Stingrays concert the night before went off without a hitch. My favourite song was Wooly Bully; although I think they did a pretty neat job on the Buddy Holly stuff as well. Officials pledged to make more candy available next year, or to bar children from the parade. Hey, this stuff’s getting a little easier now: must be the coffee.

In August, the Ontario Ministry of the Environment announced it would appeal a decision by its own appeal tribunal that greater, effort needed to be made to protect the Blanding’s Turtle. Said an MOE spokesperson: “frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn about the turtle: life is a highway, and I’m gonna ride it all night long.”

In September, the community development commission began a two-month process, costing up to $15,000, to evaluate the County’s brand. The issue was whether there should be only one mark representing the County, or several. Wouldn’t you like to have been a fly on the wall for that one.

In October—yep, that was Pumpkinfest month. All I need to say is that there was another parade, lots of big pumpkins, a pancake breakfast, and everyone had a good time. Nobody dropped a pumpkin on anyone else’s toes; or at least if they did, it didn’t make our paper.

In November, Prime Minister Stephen Harper admitted that he had appointed Senator Mike Duffy “in one of my drunken stupors”; and that nobody in his office, with the exception of Nigel Wright, knew anything about it. A spokesperson for Harper pointed out that we should all be glad that Canada was not North Korea, or else we would be visited by Dennis Rodman.

Finally in December. Oh yeah, December. Of course, there was another parade. But also no hydro. No heat. Trees down all over the place. Ice everywhere. Conditions were so bad that the County’s plight was compared to that of—Toronto? Toronto! Not so fast. What about the self-reliant spirit of our residents? They don’t moan and groan when a little tree falls down and cracks their house in two; or when they spend 11 or 12 days without hydro. Call in the military from Trenton? No way

Meanwhile, in other December news, British romance novelist Ida Pollock died at age 105; as did Jim Hall, my favourite jazz guitarist, at age 83; as did Nelson Mandela, at age 95; as did South Korean pop singer Kim Ji-hoon, at 40; as did….

Wait: I’ve reached my limit. Time to go home.

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca