50 years of kitten’y softness

My editor was expecting that this week I would weigh in with a piece about the size of council, and make some acerbic comments about which councillors would ‘drink the hemlock’ in order to conform with the wishes of the Citizens’ Assembly.

But that’s for another time. Today’s column is all about toilet paper. And the burning question is: how can this guy write a column on that subject that’s going to be in good taste? And my reply: who said anything about good taste? So read on.

My wife and I have no particular brand loyalty when it comes to toilet paper: we usually buy what’s on special. So we came home the other day with a large package of “Royale” brand toilet paper (2 ply). They’re the ones that are “Kitten’y soft”, as opposed to the ones that feature bears or swans, or that feel like cashmere or cotton.

And my goodness, what a packaging effort. First, there was the hard-core information— the ply, the number of sheets and rolls, the length and width of each sheet and total surface area in metric and imperial dimensions. I was told the paper was made in Canada, that it had a certified chain of custody that promoted sustainable forestry and that it was made from new wood fibre and conformed with the parameters of the renewable forest project.

I was told that the Irving Tissue Corporation, of Dieppe, New Brunswick, is a member of the J.D. Irving family of companies, whose Canadian heritage dates back to 1882. Robert K. Irving certified the company’s commitment to quality tissue products and its deep heritage of resonsible forest management. I was reminded the bag was recyclable, but to keep it away from babies and children; and asssured that the contents contained no dyes or fragrances, was septic safe and plumbing friendly.

On top of that, I was invited to call 1-888-ROYALE with my comments, or to go to the Royale Kittens Facebook Community Page or the Royale website. Phew! And all I wanted was the best buy in bathroom tissue

But when I took a step back, the packaging, for all the information it contained, was really all about kittens, kittens and more kittens. And the more I thought about it, the more I asked myself: just why do they feature those ultracute white kittens as their marketing hook? I mean, I could choose my toilet paper on the basis of its environmental rating, its price, its strength and its softness, or some combination thereof.

Even if softness were a factor, when was the last time I actually said to myself—apart from summer camp 45 years ago—”gee, this toilet paper sure could be softer.” And why, for heaven’s sake, should I associate the softness in action of my toilet paper with a kitten? I’ve had kittens, and kittens scratch tender places in a way that can be very uncomfortable. If it were me marketing Royale brand toilet paper, I’d play up its hygenic aspects and lose the kittens.

All of which serves to underscore why I would have been a massive failure in the marketing profession, because Royale is Canada’s number 1 bathroom tissue and the kittens got it there. According to Royale, its kittens “embody the concept of softness”; but more than that, “we realized that people would rather be fans of kittens than fans of a bathroom tissue brand.”

And so Royale bathroom tissue celebrated its 50th anniversary this year with a “Golden Kittens Search.” Specially marked tickets inside Royale products entitled patrons to enter a draw, with winners being flown to Toronto to take part in a trivia contest featuring events from the past 50 years and win a $50,000 prize. The company is also producing a giveaway book, Royale: Celebrating 50 Years of Kitten-y Softness.

According to the website strategyonline.ca, the first cat appeared in Royale advertising until 1971, and in 1973 the brand changed the cat to kittens. The kittens’ first commercial shows fluffy kittens playfully batting around a roll of toilet paper while a voice coos “the soft touch, Royale,” over lounge music in the background. At 11 years, it’s the longest-running television ad in Canadian history.

But then along came the internet and the smartphone. Says our website: “if you’d have told early 1970s-era marketing executives at Royale Canada that in the future millions of people would spend countless hours looking at kittens on personal computers and ‘cellphones’ they would have thought you very odd indeed. Probably even odder if you brought out the phrase ‘catvertising’.” Indeed, cat videos are practically the sole explanation for why the internet was invented. Did you know that the Royale kittens have their own Facebook page, with over 120,000 “likes”? I thought not.

Anyway, who is to argue with success. And if we’re looking to celebrate, and we’re not up for the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington and Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech; what better milestone to celebrate than “50 years of Kitten’y softness.” Maybe I could get council to add its name to the congratulatory hordes—in between headache-inducing deliberations on its composition.

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca