The hole foods study

The Journal of Gustatory Medicine has just published the results of a long-term study which concludes that putting donuts in your diet can be good for you. Yes, you read that correctly.

The study— conducted by Dr. Cicero Simpkins of Bangor University in Maine—followed four families, substantially similar to one another in age, income, residence and lifestyle, for a two-year period. Two families— the control group—were asked to eat their normal diets with the exception that they were not allowed to ingest donuts of any kind. The third and fourth families were also asked to follow their normal diets; with the proviso of a suggested, but not required, intake level of one donut per person per day.

“Somewhat to my surprise,” said Dr. Simpkins, “at the end of the study period, the happiest and healthiest families were families three and four—the ones who were allowed to eat donuts, while those whose abstention from donuts was mandatory— families one and two—came off worse.”

As for family one, the two children couldn’t accept that all of a sudden they were not allowed to eat donuts, pointing out to their parents that all their friends’ parents let them do so. As a result, these youngsters organized a “vegetable mutiny” at family mealtimes, which then morphed into a boycott of fruits, legumes, yogurt, tofu and anything else they perceived as a parental healthy food choice. As a result, the children’s overall diet balance suffered (one developed scurvy, the other ricketts), and both parents developed stomach ulcers. “We even considered pulling the plug on the study,” said Simpkins, “but of course that would have affected the quality of our baseline measurements, so that we weren’t able to offer them that alternative. It was a long two years for all four of them.”

Family two maxed out on dessert during the study, compared with their previous consumption levels. “One night it would be cookies,” said Simpkins; “the next night it would be chocolate pudding. Then it would be éclairs. Or strudel. They’d come as close to the line as they could without actually crossing it. As a result, the outcome in terms of weight loss was a net negative, although from a weight gain perspective it was a net positive. I probably don’t have to tell you what they started eating the day after the study ended.”

Family three took a thoughtful approach to the study. They decided to adhere to the suggested donutary intake limit quite strictly, and eventually started taking a donut “like it was a vitamin pill or a tablespoon of cod-liver oil,” said Simpkins. And thinking that it was something that they were supposed to do actually helped their bodies believe it was good for them too. “Their actual dessert consumption began to level off as well, except when they were serving bread pudding, which if I may say so was one of the highlights of the study for me personally. I still have the recipe signed by everyone in family three, which I will always treasure.”

Family four initially posted wildly fluctuating results, until the trend flatlined. “They must have gone through a hundred donuts in week one,” said Simpkins. “In weeks two and three, they hardly touched anything but melba toast and Tums; and from that point on to the end of the study they ate donuts only occasionally and always in moderation. By the end, they were the better for it. Although I don’t think they’re as keen on donuts as they were at the outset.”

So what does Simpkins conclude from this exhaustive— and exhausting—study? “Two things,” he said. “First, if you tell someone they can’t have something, it only makes them want it so badly it affects their health adversely—as was the experience of families one and two. Second, setting your own consumption limits works best in the long run, as the experience of families three and four demonstrates. So if you want to eat donuts, eat donuts: don’t hold back on yourself. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but our study proves otherwise.”

The arresting conclusions of the Simpkins study come on the heels of reports of a study showing that a chocolate bar a day helps you lose weight faster. Both conclusions taken together are bound to upset some of the fundamental methods and assumptions of dietary science and give new meaning to the word research.

Next up for Dr. Simpkins: a study of the relative benefits of jelly-filled and custard-filled donuts. “The funding’s in place. We’re still working out the study parameters, and then we’ll start finding volunteers. But I somehow doubt families one, two, three and four will step forward again. Unless, of course, I can adjust the study parameters and somehow include that bread pudding recipe.”

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca