Rhymes with barley

One of the challenges the County faces is that even though it is a single legal entity, its constituent communities don’t necessarily feel that way. Wellington residents are dismissive of Picton; yet jealous of the perks—like that roundabout— their eastern cousins enjoy. Ameliasburgh is said to view any County expenditure that does not involve resurfacing Rednersville Road as a conspiracy against it. Bloomfield is snooted at for being too artsy-fartsy.

I’ve probably said too much already. I don’t need more enemies.

The point is that County administrators are always on the lookout for events that can unify the County while at the same time making individual communities feel their own efforts have been more valuable than those of their neighbours. And it just so happens that one idea has been gaining a lot of traction.

The idea? Well, the unifying, County-wide theme would be Barley Days, harking back to a fondly remembered time in the County’s past. Each community would take a different rhyming word—like Harley Days—and turn it into a festival of its own making. If Wellington put first dibs on the Harley moniker, it could, for example, have a mass motorcycle parade through town, or a giant ‘truth and reconciliation’ group hug between Hell’s Angels members and the staff of the local OPP detachment. Teenagers could be offered rides on adult bikes to get used to what could be in their future if they only did their homework and came home by curfew time; and little kids could put flappers on their bicycles in a contest to see who can best imitate that distinctive Harley sound. Bikers would be given discounts at local restaurants, or, to be on the safe side, free meals, upon flashing proof they belonged to an organized criminal conspiracy.

If Wellington were not quick enough to snap up Harley Days, or if it had an outright preference for another theme, it could go for Marley Days or Farley Days. Marley Days could take a number of forms. Reggae bands could be hired. A ‘best dreadlocks’ contest could be held—just like in Movember, only with scalp hair, and open to both men and women. Justin Trudeau would be invited to smoke the honorary first joint in a giant pot-a-thon. Alternatively, Wellington could take on a mini Charles Dickens festival (with the costumes conveniently left over from the recent production of A Christmas Carol) to celebrate the various ghosts of Counties past, present and future. Or it could run a mutt show to name the County’s worst dog, or most lovable dog, or most undisciplined dog. It could take two or even all three ideas for Marley Days and run with them at the same time. Farley Days could celebrate recently deceased writer and area resident Farley Mowat. There could be a kilt flipping contest, a contest to see who could make the most irreverent remark, or a contest to make a boat that refuses to float.

Okay, you’re saying to yourself, enough already, I get the idea, but that’s only three possible names. There have to be more. You’re right. How about Charlie Days and Carly Days, a tribute to all things good about those two names? Charlie Sheen could be invited to lecture young children about the importance of modesty and self restraint, while Charlie Parker music played in the background. Carly Rae Jepsen could be invited to perform all of her greatest hits—all day long—for the young adult crowd, while Carly Simon did the same for the seniors. Or Varley Days could celebrate landscape paintings by anyone called Fred. Then you could have your Snarly Days, a challenge from the get go to think of a fun way to honour incivility. Or your Parley Days, which would celebrate the art of conversation. Or Gnarly Days, in which things rough-hewn are somehow the focus. (Hey, no one said I had to think this thing through completely: I’m just passing on the ideas.)

The possibilities, admittedly, are not endless, since there are only about 26 letters in the alphabet, and neither Warley Days, Yarley Days nor Xarley Days seems to generate any instant theme ideas. However, there was a former NHL player by the name of Zarley Zalapski, so perhaps one of our smaller communities like Rose Hall (aka Rosehall, depending upon whether you’re coming or going) could host a Zarley Days oldtimers hockey game featuring all players whose first names and last names began with the letter Z. (Come to think of it, that one had better be three-on-three, or even one-on-one). Still, there should be enough Barley-inspired names to go around, especially when you factor in the likelihood that one or two communities will go off in a huff and refuse to join in the festivities because they can’t get the use of the name they want. But that’s to be expected.

By and large, though, each community’s natural sense of its own superiority would prompt it to grab a prime theme quickly and then push itself to outdo the others. The County could then bask in the knowledge that everyone, in their own way, was on the same page. It’s a win-win.

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca