The clothingoptional option

With all of the hot weather we’ve been having recently, I can’t get the subject of nudity out of my mind. To tell the truth, it came to mind mostly by mistake. I was checking out a couple of naturalist organizations on the Web and stumbled— honestly, it was an honest mistake— across the website of the Federation of Canadian Naturists; you know, the clothing-optional people, or rather, the no option but no clothing people. (By the way, did you know the Federation has an official hat?)

I have never practised naturism myself (except in my bathtub), but I am a big believer in its imaginative properties. If you are intimidated by someone, they say, just picture him or her stark naked. For instance, doesn’t the image of the German and Greek debt negotiators sitting around a table in the altogether suggest a basis for the speedy reconciliation of their differences? If only so that they could reclothe promptly?

My exposure to the Federation got me thinking whether naturists could be better served by the County. According to my brief scan, there is no clothing-optional public beach along Lake Ontario between Toronto and the Quebec border: there are hints of the practice over a decade ago at Sandbanks and rumours of something similar near North Beach. But nothing official or current.

In terms of usage and quality, our Wellington beach definitely ranks behind the big two: it could use a little boost. So how about embracing naturism at the beach? One can see the economic boost it would provide—secondary industries such as observation blinds being established on nearby lawns; and boat cruises and helicopter rides being offered from the harbour to the beach and back. And assuming that naturists flock to the beach, we could offer them clothing-optional services from local restaurants (“No Shirt? No Shoes? No Problem!”) and stores (“Naturist Friendly: No Air Conditioning”).

But isn’t public nudity a criminal offence? True in theory, but naturist advocates cite a couple of court decisions in which no conviction resulted, including the famous Jacob decision by the Ontario Court of Appeal, in which the court stated no one who was offended was forced to look at the woman who decided to go topless. The practice of nudity is tolerated at certain public beaches in cities such as Toronto and Vancouver. Surely Wellington is, or aspires to be, no less cosmopolitan.

Now don’t take me to be advocating that nudity at Wellington beach be made mandatory. Can you imagine trying to fine someone for wearing a skimpy Speedo instead of a no- Speedo? In my limited experience, there is a direct correlation between the skimpiness of the Speedo and the aesthetic appeal of the body mass; which correlation suggests that the Speedo should seek to cover more, rather than less.

However, without meaning to burst my own balloon before it’s run up the flagpole, and while there may be certain superficial advantages to the clothing-optional option, I tend to think that it’s not going to fly here in Wellington.

First of all, we don’t want to get ourselves on the wrong side of history, which says that the sun is getting more intense. And we have to be careful not to lay ourselves bare to the elements. Offering people the chance to expose vast acreages of flesh to the sun for the first time would be inviting lawsuits the like of which would make the Great Convenience Store Over Lane Creek Liability Kerfuffle look like a christening party. The County has to limit its own exposure.

And the second reason is simply this: Who are we kidding? This hot weather is the first we’ve had since some time in 2013. Sure it’s nice to be “The Coolest Spot when the Weather’s (Very) Hot,” but we’re also “The (Noticeably) Coolest Spot when the Weather’s (Quite Pleasantly Everywhere Else) Hot.” Except on a few summer days, the Wellington beach will offer the would-be naturist nothing but blood, toil, tears—and goosebumps.

So I am going to change direction completely. Why not turn the Wellington beach—in a non-mandatory way, of course—into a retro beach? In my English childhood, adult men went to the beach in grey flannel trousers, shirts and sweaters, and covered their heads with newspapers artfully folded into temporary hats. They might also dare to roll up their pant legs to paddle in the water (oh yes, and remove their shoes and socks before doing so). In my parents’ childhood, swimsuits for men and women resembled sensible pyjamas or prison garb. Returning to bygone standards of public modesty would be a fortuitous meeting of necessity and trend setting.

So why don’t we encourage sun worshippers to come to our beach in Victorian or Edwardian beachgarb for their visits next year? It would sure top the aesthetics of the skimpy Speedo. And ensure there were no unsightly goosebumps.

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca