Columnists
Do you know who I am?
Don’t you just hate it when you’re on the VIP list for entry to one of the exclusive late night discos in Wellington and some boor barges his way up to the security guard and tries to bamboozle his way in? It very quickly degenerates from an “Oh, there must be some mistake. I’m an old school pal of Mr. Rotten and Mr. Vicious. They’d be very upset to hear that I’d had some trouble getting in,” to a much more ominous “Do you know who I am?”
I would venture to say that the “Do you know who I am?” gambit is the most annoying phrase in the English language. There’s something about resorting to this tactic that makes us want to cheer for the underdog insultee and at the same time squash the insulter with a few bons mots. Do you remember when NDP leader Thomas Mulcair was caught berating a Parliament Hill security guard, using this very line? The apology came faster than the news itself. Or when former Conservative MP and would-be Liberal candidate Eve Adams was caught on video taking umbrage at the service of an Ottawa gas station, again using the same technique? She was mortally wounded.
Use of the “Do you know who I am?” phrase just begs for a snappy comeback. Except that, the human brain being what it is, the apt snappy comeback usually comes to mind about 30 seconds too late. So let’s put out some suggestions to have at the ready. I’m going to bypass obscenities as they lack elegance, should be custom crafted, and shouldn’t be printed in a family newspaper, let alone The Times. And in keeping with the best traditions of Internet surfers, let’s do it as a top-10 list.
Number 10. The “bring it on” response. “No, I don’t know who you are, but I have a feeling I’m about to.” This retort has the advantage of being an anger diffuser without being an out-and-out insult to the ranter.
Number nine. The “take it literally” response. “No sir, I don’t, but perhaps you are carrying something in your wallet that would help you remember.” This response has the advantage of being superficially polite while containing a substantial dose of venom.
Number eight. The “turning the table” response. “No madam, I don’t, but I’m sure you know who I am.” That has the advantage of requiring the boorish person to think up a response of some sort.
Number seven. The “not as famous as you think you are” response. “Oh, I’m sorry Your Holiness. I didn’t recognize you without your white robes on.” Perhaps a little heavy on the sarcasm.
Number six. The “damning with faint praise” response. “Yes, now that you mention it, I do. You’re the guy who played the bartender in that scene in Porky’s. Step right up and let me get your autograph.” This one takes the dramatic initiative away from the insulter.
Number five. The “sounds like saying sorry” response. “Oh, I’m sorry sir, no I didn’t. Let me give you this VIP ticket with our apologies. It entitles you to stand in line with everyone else and wait until your number is called.” The success of this one is all in the timing.
Number four. The “pandering” response. “No madam, I’m sorry, I don’t. But you must be a very special person with special needs. Do you need a special soundproof room or a tranquilizer or something?” Quite an insult, really, equating over-the top impatience to a disability.
Number three. The “call upstairs” response. “No sir, I don’t. But if you show me some identification, I’ll call my supervisor and see if we have you on the list of people entitled to make stupid remarks and jump the queue.”
Number two. The “show me your stuff” response. “No, I didn’t realize you were anyone special. Tell you what, though, sir: take your pants off and put them on again—both legs at once—and I’ll let you in ahead of everyone else.” This remark uses encouraging language while effectively telling the haranguor to get stuffed.
Number one. The “almost too obscure to count as a putdown” response. “Yes, let me think. Didn’t I meet you at that club Groucho Marx used to belong to?” Now that it’s 2016, an alternative would be “Didn’t I see you on the YouTube video going in to that party Paul McCartney wasn’t allowed into?”
There you go: 10 snappy responses all ready to clip and save. Now, if we could just find someone about to crash a lineup at a late night Wellington disco, we’d be all set.
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