Goodbye parks

The government of Doug Ford is getting pretty serious about cutting back expenditures. Got to fix that deficit problem. So the chopping has begun.

And now comes the rumour that next on the chopping block will be provincial parks —all of them, closed down tight, with just two exceptions, namely Sandbanks park and Algonquin park. All the rest—North Beach, gone; Bon Echo, gone; Presqu’ile, gone; Frontenac, gone—to be sold off to the highest bidder, whether that be another level of government, a conservation authority, a developer, a charity or an individual.

“If people want an outdoor experience, let them buy one of our parks, or a cottage in Muskoka,” is said to be the prevailing sentiment in the corridors of Queen’s Park. Said one source, “Why should I pay taxes at the top marginal rate to support the birding and hiking habits of latte suckers who are going to vote against this government anyway?”

To make sure that the mothballed parks attract the highest bidder, the Ford people are planning to pass a Bill that deems the Endangered Species Act will no longer apply to decommissioned parks. They will be open for whatever form of development the successful buyer has in mind. “That should interest a few condo developers,” noted the administration official.

So why the exceptions for Algonquin and Sandbanks? In the former case, the government (according to our source) realizes that people have “an emotional attachment to the place, what with Tom Thomson and the Group of Seven and all that. Besides, if we keep just Algonquin, people will value it all the more. And that should bring more people to it, especially if we put in some more roads so that thousands of people could drive up from Etobicoke for the day and have a wilderness experience from the comfort of their vehicles. And they won’t have to pay carbon tax on the gas they use.”

With Sandbanks, the reason is straightforward: it makes money, and the government thinks it can make more, using time-tested strategies from the business world. “For example,” said our source, rising to the occasion, “take those lineups to get into the park. Why not offer a V.I.P. pass that for a hundred bucks enables you to go to the front of the line and avoids the agony of waiting all day to get in. Anyone would be free to avail themselves of this option; and if everyone did, we’d just keep upping the price until some did and some didn’t.”

“And there’s the question of user fees. Why not charge people for bringing the family dog along and using the dog-friendly section of the beach? The same with beach toys; and, come to think of it, the beach itself: rent it out by the square inch.

“And here’s another idea. If you go to a major sports arena, you know any food or beverages you try to bring in are confiscated: you have to buy what’s sold on site. If we brought the same business discipline to Sandbanks, we could make a fortune off the sale of stadium-priced hotdogs. And just think of the revenue we could raise if we extended the ban to suntan lotion and insect repellent.”

“But wait; we’re just getting started. We could sell alcohol for a buck a beer, provided people bought a 50-dollar licence to consume it on the beach, and limit the purchase to, say, two per customer. We could do the same thing with cannabis and tobacco, and set up a ‘smoke and toke’ section on the beach, which people could use—for an appropriate fee.

“We could offer people the service of protection against involuntary tire pressure loss while parked for a day at the beach. We’d have to hire a few people to act as tire pressure deflators, of course, but if we price the protection properly, we should still come out way ahead.”

The Ford government knows that Ontarians above all else want fiscal responsibility, and is determined to show how that responsibility can be squared with sound environmental and recreation policy. Take that, latte suckers.

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca