Columnists
Making lemonade with naked signposts
You know the old expression that goes ‘when you are handed lemons, you make lemonade’? I was reminded of it when considering the current state of the signposts at our beloved Wellington beach.
When a whole string of ‘No Parking’ signs went up at the beach about a month ago, the derision was instantaneous and unanimous. Did we want to convey to visitors the message that they are stupid, or unwelcome, or both? Or that we have the budget to add overkill signage?
The County has, however, been listening to its critics. About three in four of the signs have now come down, so that the ‘No Parking’ provision appears only every few metres. However, for the time being, about 20 naked signposts remain, looking rather lost and forlorn. The plan, according to local councillor Mike Harper, is to remove those posts as well, having gained a fresh appreciation of the need to avoid sending the wrong message, and to develop a comprehensive picture of what we want our beach to look like.
But those naked signposts represent a sunk cost to the County. If we rip them out, we will be gaining nothing except bitter experience. Is there not some use we can make of the remaining posts that would allow us to claim we have made some lemonade from among the lemons? I have a suggestion to make that would allow us to indulge in a jug of the stuff.
When I lived in Oakville as a teenager, there was a sign beside one of the major downtown bridges that didn’t list the one offence of jumping off the bridge. It prohibited you from spitting, screaming, throwing, climbing, dangling—you name it. The sign acquired more notoriety than the bridge and the creek below it. So what if Wellington stole a page from the Oakville playbook?
Suppose we clothe the naked signposts with signs listing all the other things you can’t do at the beach. Start with the easy stuff—’No Camping’, ‘No Littering’, ‘No Fires,’ ‘No Chopping Trees,’ ‘No Feeding the Beaver,’ ‘No Using the Lake as a Bathroom,’ ‘No Playing Hardball.’ Then expand it to include other less obvious prohibitions—’No Drake Music,’ ‘No Eating Sand,’ ‘No Helicopters’, ‘No Elephants,’ ‘No Honky Tonkin’,’ ‘No Bad Vibes.’ ‘No Gluten-Free Food.’ People would line up to use the beach just for the thrill of knowing the by-law police might swoop down on them at any moment to try and catch an infraction in progress.
The beach could quickly acquire a reputation as a cool place to hang out and be seen. It could become known as ‘The Forbidden Beach.’ Among those in the know, it could become as popular as the Sandbanks beaches. People would line up to buy the bumper sticker: ‘ I Survived The Forbidden Beach.’ The prohibitions could be changed every year, or even more frequently, to keep repeat customers coming back. Beach users could offer suggestions as to new things they would like the signs to prohibit.
In fact, the whole of Wellington could get in on the act and style itself as ‘The Forbidden Village’—the place where being miserable is forbidden. Stores could say their customers are forbidden from finding what they want to be out of stock. Bed and Breakfasts could say their guests are forbidden from sleeping badly and having a lousy breakfast. Wineries could say their clients are forbidden from disliking every vintage they taste. You get the idea.
If the concept of The Forbidden Beach doesn’t excite people, perhaps the County could use the naked signposts for other messaging that softens the sting of the still-numerous ‘No Parking’ signs; like ‘The County: We’re So Laid Back We Don’t Get Too Uptight About Anything, Including Parking Where You Aren’t Supposed To’; or ‘You Should Have Taken Public Transportation to Get Here So We Wouldn’t Have to Put Up These Darned No Parking Signs In The First Place.’
Perhaps the posts could be used as something other than standards for signs. The beach could host major horseshoe tournaments; players who tend to throw high would find the pitch especially suited to their game. Or the posts could also be used to tether nervous Lake Ontario swimmers who are worried about being swept out into deep waters. Or they could be used to fly the flag of each municipality in Ontario in which Doug Ford is no longer welcome (although the limited quantity may prove to be an insurmountable obstacle),
As I contemplate the many uses to which they might have been put, I will miss the naked signposts when they disappear. Time, obviously, for a restorative glass of lemonade.
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