Columnists
Good old days and birthdays
July! Remember way back in March when we laughed and said hopeful things like, “By the middle of April we’ll be back to business as usual”. I remember those days. In the old days, I remember watching the televised news, in the evening, and thinking how happy I was to live here and not in Europe and how, in no time at all, we’d be hugging and kissing and eating inside our favourite restaurants. Yep, those were the days! Weren’t they? Those good old days. How we all long for the good old days of 2019 and early 2020.
Well, 2020 is halfway done. I can tell you, I don’t want a do-over. I just want it over. Wait, I’ll take a birthday do-over. I don’t think this year should count as a year, age wise, although haven’t we all done some serious aging since mid- March? As regards aging, on behalf of all of my female friends, “Masks have been a blessing in disguise (pun intended).” Why, way back in the good old days of January, two of my gym-sistas and I were discussing those annoying facial lines that are theatrically referred to as “marionette lines”. Well, as long as we’re wearing our masks, I think the line problem is solved. Now if we couple that mask with a pair of over-sized sunglasses then the crinkles around our eyes are taken care of too! Let me tell you, I’ve often looked in the mirror and thought about Botox, and/or plastic surgery, but face masks (and a pair of sunglasses) are much cheaper and less invasive. No down time. No bruising. No lying about the sudden, youthful look. Not looking in the mirror is even cheaper than face masks and sunglasses. But that’s another column.
So, here we are, longing for the good old days and, interestingly enough, we aren’t pining for the good old days when we bounced around in the back of grandpappy’s pickup truck like a load of topsoil held down by a wheelbarrow. We’re longing for the days when we didn’t have to pat ourselves down—for sunglasses, masks, grocery bags and debit cards—before we headed out to the Post Office or grocery store. You know, the days when you could meet a friend for a beer and you didn’t have to tell her to bring her own beer, a measuring tape and lawn chair (and don’t forget your mask and sunglasses). Ah, those were the days. It seems like only four or five months ago. Why I can remember, in the good old days, when I might have chopped off the top of my finger with a kitchen knife and wasn’t afraid to go to the hospital to let a surgeon do the reattachment. Now I’m thinking I should stock up on finer needles, some suture thread, maybe a bit of disinfectant—and probably have a bottle of Scotch on hand—before I attempt my own version of “meatball surgery” to avoid COVID-19 exposure in an Emergency Room. Geez, I even had a telephone appointment with the Neuro-opthamolgist about a week ago. I think I should be compensated for the testing I was guided through but administered to myself. This, apparently, is the new normal. Medical visits by Zoom or Skype or telephone —whoddathunkit? YCOM even had a dental appointment via Zoom. I glad I’m too old to get pregnant. I can’t even imagine how that Zoom appointment would go.
Ah, the good old days. Remember when we didn’t feel like we had to preface every story about visiting with friends with “And, we socially distanced, of course”. Remember those days? I do. I wonder if I’ll ever stop feeling guilty about accidentally getting too close to someone who isn’t in my bubble/circle/coven. And what about the good old days of hand washing? I was thrilled in the really old, good old days when I no longer had to remind my kidlets to wash their hands. And here I am, reminding myself and LOML to wash everyfreaking- thing we bring into the house (after a grocery or P.O. trip), including our hands and masks. Seriously, I miss the good old days. If you know me, and you probably don’t, I have never longed for the good old days.
July! Here you are. July is birthday month in our family, with something around an even dozen family birthdays occurring. I’m not sure if I’m up for a socially distanced get-together or a Zoom party. What about birthday cards? If I mail them right now, will they even show up in July when the Post Office is dealing with such a huge backlog. How the heck do you blow out the candles on the Zoom birthday cake without moistly spraying the computer screen?
Ah, the good old days. Where the heck are you? Why the H E double face masks do I pine for you?
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