Needing some help with a name

It is a rotten time to be a statue—or a professional sports team. At least three teams—the Edmonton Eskimos, the Washington Redskins and the Cleveland Indians—are searching for a new identity and can use all the help they can get. Well, I am out to prove, in the case of the Edmonton team at least, that they can’t use my help.

Edmonton officials held a press conference on July 22 to announce that the team would henceforward be known as the Edmonton Football Team pending the search for a new permanent name, although it will keep the team colours green and gold, and retain its ‘Double E’ team logo. The team has agonized over its team name for several years, and recently reaffirmed its commitment to the traditional name. Something changed. Sponsors likely put their foot down.

The Edmonton brass say they want to choose a name that celebrates the team’s unique position as the world’s northernmost football franchise; the team’s record as the most successful in modern CFL history; and the sense of unity of spirit against adversity that a team sport requires. That opens up a vast field of possibilities.

The retention of the Double E logo suggests that the new name for the team should also be a Double E phrase. This would therefore eliminate potential names for the team as.the Edmonton Maulers (which would play off the shopping centre) and the Edmonton Poets (which would play off a famous ‘EE’ literary figure). It would also eliminate two tried and true CFL naming techniques; use another team’s name with slight modifications (The Edmonton Tigercats) or make up a name derived from the team’s uniform colours (The Edmonton GreenGolds).

We can winnow the name choice down further by eliminating names that have an unpleasant connotation. The Edmonton Epidemic, Edmonton Explosion and Edmonton Epicentre are all fit to bite the dust, Similarly, some names may be just too violent—the Edmonton Erasers, the Edmonton Eliminators and the Edmonton Evaporators, for example.

Some names may sound too snooty. The Edmonton Expressionists, the Edmonton Existentialists, the Edmonton Empiricists and the Edmonton Ethicists are all names that would pander to that small group that watches the CFL primarily for intellectual stimulation—which is a good reason to reject them.

A political name might be too short-sighted a choice, as loyalties tend to shift. The Edmonton Exporters, the Edmonton Exiters, the Edmonton Extractors and the Edmonton Engineers are examples of names that should probably be avoided.. The Edmonton Environmentalists may not be all that popular either.

Speaking of the environment, the world of nature has been picked fairly clean already. Eagles, hawks, grizzlies, bobcats, ravens, timberwolves, buck, deer and lynx have all been used before. Most old what’s left over violates the Double E convention, You would have to pass on calling them the Whitetails, or the Muskox or the Mountain Goats or the Great Horned Owls or the Wild Roses, You could call then the Edmonton Elephants, but that would just be asking for attacking fire from animal rights enthusiasts who protest that elephants are demeaned by their association with football. All you are left with is the Edmonton Earwigs or the Edmonton Elderberries.

And there are some names that have a nice ring to them, which have to be rejected because, while they make nice sounding Double E expressions, they don’t describe a football team. The Edmonton Elves is one example, although I should add the Edmonton Elvises to be fair. The Edmonton Embroiderers is another, as are the Edmonton Enigma, the Edmonton Exalted, the Edmonton Elixir and the Edmonton Endomorphs.

All of that still leaves us with a good bunch of positive Double E expressions, Names such as the Edmonton Energy, the Edmonton Experience, the Edmonton Elders, the Edmonton Endeavour, the Edmonton Epic, the Edmonton Esprit, the Edmonton Explorers, the Edmonton Exemplars, the Edmonton Effort and the Edmonton Endurance would all fit the bill quite comfortably. No doubt the team can eventually find something appropriate, without my help.

I just hope the team doesn’t do what Prince did, and decide to call itself “The Football Team Formerly Known as the Edmonton Eskimos.” That would be taking two steps backward.

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca