A catalogue of mirth

One of the requirements for obtaining the coveted “CHC” (Certified Humour Columnist) designation from the American Humour Association is to write a piece about the annual Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue. I’m working toward my CHC, so this is one of my compulsories. And the catologue just arrived, so here goes.

Hammacher Schlemmer (I am tempted to short-form it, but it sounds so good in longhand) advertises itself as “America’s longest running catalogue… offering the best, the only and the unexpected for 164 years.” And it now also offers “superior service to Canada.” The company has at its disposal the “Hammacher Schlemmer Institute,” which employs rigid standards to ensure only superior products make it to the public offering. “When you purchase from us,” say Hammacher Schlemmer, “you are purchasing THE BEST.” Their lifetime guarantee is “unconditional and unwavering.”

Hammacher Schlemmer catalogues are always fun to look at because they contain a a vast array of products that seem to have been invented to meet a need you never realized was there; one or two items that appear genuinely useful; and a basketful of items that are so over the top that you figure only Mitt Romney could afford them if he got stumped for ideas to beat the dressage horse he got for the missus a few Christmases ago. Even if you can’t afford them, you can get a laugh—well, a maybe a hollow chuckle—over what the rich and fanciful are prepared to spend their money on.

So the cover boy for this year’s catalogue is “Zoltar Speaks,” the “classic animatronic fortune teller found in arcades.” For $9,000 (plus $500 delivery charge) you can get the 77-inch high cabinet, containing a moving mannequin “richly detailed with handlebar mustache and beard.” Zoltar senses your presence, you insert your quarter, and he provides you with one of 16 spoken fortunes or 24 paper fortunes. Come to think of it, this sounds like the present that Mrs. Romney should have bought Mitt last Christmas.

Not into fortune telling? How about a two-storeytall inflatable reindeer, with a head that “sways side to side to greet revellers scampering underfoot”? A much more modest $379.95. Or, from the Hammacher Schlemmer website (where many of the pricier treasures are more discreetly buried), the “emotive robotic avatar,” a robotic puppet that can convey five different emotions and provide “real time responses to questions.” It costs only $65,000, and to top it off, it’s duty free to Canada.

If you’re feeling completely frivolous, there’s the voice-controlled, piano-playing polar bear for $169.95 (batteries not included). The bear, made of “durable ABS plastic” can emit any of 24 Christmas classics, and can “entertain with witty banter between tunes.” I’ll bet he can—until about 1:30 on Christmas afternoon, when someone will scream “I can’t take it any more,” and smash the cute little ursine songster on the floor. But of course, having attended the Hammachder Schlemmer Institute, he’ll survive that, only to be consigned to a closet for the next 10 years, sans batteries, wit never fully tapped.

In the ‘did they really need to invent that?’ category, you can find “the mind controlled movie director”—a brainwave-reading headset that allows the user to directly influence the course of specially created movies and games by concentrating, relaxing or blinking.” That one’s $129.95. Or how about spring-loaded walking shoes at $139.95 (per pair, not each). Or a high definition video pen that can record up to five hours of video and download it to a computer, with a camera on the pocket clip and a microphone on the barrel, both being “inconspicuous enough to avoid detection.” That one’s $149.95, but it writes as well, and comes with black and blue replacement ink cartridges. I can’t resist one more. Don’t you need that $149.95 instant hot water dispenser that allows you to avoid waiting for a kettle to boil?

Okay, then, on to the items that might actually be useful. My wife liked the backpack vacuum cleaner at $199.95. I liked the clock that shows you what day it is as well as what time, at a quite modest $49.95. And we could both see ourselves using the caramel apple maker, with a warming dipper and rotating trays, for $79.95.

So thanks again, Hammacher Schlemmer, for the pre-Christmas entertainment. I hope you’re around for another 164 years. And if you didn’t get a catalogue, you can borrow mine or try hammacher.ca.

Now back to getting my CHC designation. My next assignment is to come up with five original wind turbine jokes. Yikes!

David Simmonds’s writing is also available at www.grubstreet.ca.