Scenes from the Roadshow

I have to confess I’ve soured on Downton Abbey. All right, so the lead actor wanted out of the show. But couldn’t they have sent his character on a prolongued prospecting trip to South America instead of doing away with him at the apex of his happiness?

So what’s my favourite show nowadays, I ask myself. And I have to confess that it’s one that’s been around since the original English version aired in 1979. It’s Antiques Roadshow.

I think I like it because every item tells a story. Let’s listen in on a few examples:

Mark Walberg: Welcome to Antiques Roadshow, where this week we’re in Sioux City, Iowa. Don’t ask me why: I just go where they send me and say a few fatuous things on camera to fill out the hour. But let’s get the show started: all these suckers have been lining up for hours to pay the appraisers 25 bucks to buy into the dream that their family heirlooms are worth something.

Camera pans in on furniture section.

Appraiser: So what do we know about this piece?

Owner: Well, it was given to me by my great aunt, who was an organist in a church choir in Philadelphia. But she got it from her sister-in-law, who ran a bordello in New Orleans for many years before she retired and became a Fuller Brush Saleswoman. And my great-aunt always used to say that some day I could sell it and make a small fortune.

Appraiser: Do you know what it is?

Owner: I haven’t a clue. Some sort of bowl?

Appraiser: Well it’s a vitreous object, with a wide rim and about a foot high. Underneath (picks object up and turns it over) you can see the distinctive “XVY” Makers Mark, which indicates to me that this was made by the Abercrombie Spittoon Company of Baton Rouge, Louisiana sometime between 1910 and 1925.

Owner: Oh my goodness!

Appraiser: Yes, and what’s more, this spittoon dates from the era when Louis Armstrong was just starting his career and playing in New Orleans houses of ill repute. So it’s highly possible it could have been spat in by Louis Armstrong.

Owner: Oh my heavens!

Appraiser: Do you have any idea what this is worth?

Owner: Not a clue. Has my ship come in?

Appraiser: Well, this is a very rare piece in good condition. If we had a DNA swab taken we could possiby verify the Louis Armstrong connection, but I would say that, conservatively at auction, you’re looking at somewhere between $1,500 and $2,000.

Camera pans to Owner swooning. Well my my my.

Camera moves over to collectibles section.

Appraiser: So what in heaven’s name do we have here?

Owner: Well, I was a big fan of the I Love Lucy television series, and I lived near the studio at the time, so I would often stop by after the show trying to get Lucy and Desi’s autograph. But there was always such a lineup I finally hit on the idea of getting Fred and Ethel Mertz to autograph something for me. And I always shoved a Chinese food takeout menu under their noses along with a red pen. I’ve got about two dozen of them.

Appraiser: So what we have here is the world’s largest collection of Fred and Ethel Mertz memorabilia, all autographed in red pen on Chinese food takeout menus?

Owner: Exactly. I haven’t had it formally appraised, but it’s insured for $100,000.

Appraiser: Well, valuation is a tricky art. The problem is that in order to value something properly, you need a market, and that means at least one interested buyer. Your collection is so unique, I’m not aware of a single other Fred and Ethel Mertz fan who’d be prepared to take it on. In a way, it’s priceless.

Owner: (to wife, off camera). You see, Mavis, what did I tell you.

Camera moves over to musical instruments.

Appraiser: So what makes you think this is a genuine Stradivarius?

Owner: Well, it says Stradivarius right on the inside in block letters.

Appraiser: That’s true, but it also has a Walmart price sticker on the outside and a Made in China mark on the inside. So I have some reservations about its provenance.

Owner: But it says it’s a Stradivarius.

Appraiser: That’s true, but I’m not sure that’s conclusive of….

Owner: Look buddy, I paid a hundred bucks for this at a garage sale and I haven’t come here for you tell me I made a bad deal.

Appraiser: (wiping brow). Okay. Genuine Stradivarius violin, valued at $150.

Camera moves to clothing.

Owner: My mother was a housemaid in a big hotel in New York City and one day she was cleaning a musician’s room when this sock tumbled out of the sheets. She could only find one, so she figured it was no use to the owner, and so for some reason she kept it.

Appraiser: So what makes you think the sock is so valuable?

Owner: Well, she subsequently found out that Jimi Hendrix had been staying in that very room; and the sock is paisley coloured, so you know, sort of drug-induced.

Appraiser: Well, your mother should thank her lucky stockings that she hung on to it. Because an identical sock sold at auction for $10,000 on the basis that it was one of the socks he wore when he wrote the classic song Purple Haze—which may also explain why the other sock got lost.

Owner: You mean….

Appraiser: Yes I do. This sock’s provenance is undoubtedly genuine, and to match it up with its mate I would give it a conservative value of $15,000—maybe more.

Owner: Excuse me while I kiss the sky!

Camera moves back fo furniture.

Appraiser: Now this is a real find. It’s a Billy bookcase, by IKEA, and they only made about 15 billion of them. This one is in mint condition and yet you have the original receipt which indicates it’s about six years old. That makes it worth something.

Owner: (with a certain smugness). And I still have the original Allen key too!

Appraiser: I love this job!

Mark Walberg: So that’s it from Sioux City, Iowa. Next week we’ll be in Rapid City, South Dakota, unless my agent can get me out my contract. All these exotic places are getting under my skin. I should be hosting The Price is Right or Jeopardy.

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca