The second best paper

It would be disloyal of me to suggest that the Wellington Times is anything but the best weekly newspaper in town (although it is anyway). But what’s the second best?

You want hints?

1. It comes on a single sheet of brown paper.

2. It’s free.

3. It’s usually found in restaurants.

No, it’s not the County Weekly News, nor is it the Picton Gazette. For my money, the second best weekly newspaper in town is the Coffee News.

The Coffee News, according to its promotional tag, has over 10 million readers weekly, with over 800 editions in 47 countries around the world. A special local edition serves Belleville and Prince Edward, including “Shannonville, Desoronto , Rossmore, Picton, Wellington and Bloomfield.”

What do I like about the Coffee News? Well, apart from the fact that it doesn’t arrive at my driveway unannounced and uninvited in a sodden wet bag, and that it isn’t stuffed with advertising flyers that are headed straight for the recycle bin, I like the mixture of conversationstarters and interest-piquers that it contains. If you are a regular reader (or eater or drinker), you’ll know what I’m referring to, but on the off chance you’re not, I’ll provide a little more detail.

It kicks off with a section called “Everybody’s Talking,” which posts a few carefully selected news items. Forget about your chemical warfare or carbon-inducing pipelines. In the September 2 issue, there is a story that explains that there is so much sand drifting from the dunes at Slowinski National Park in Poland—it clogs the canal leading into the town’s “picturesque fishing and yacht port” with the result that continuous and costly dredging is required. Any one can take away as much sand as they want, whether for a construction project or a child’s sandbox. Now hold on a minute: doesn’t Wellington have a similar problem? What if people were encouraged to move a bucket of sand every time they went to the harbour? And so the conversation starts.

And I was interested to learn that in honour of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, a 3.9 inch model of the monarch, replete with a diamond encrusted crown, has been erected at Legoland, near London. Lego has re-created the balcony at Buckingham Palace and placed on it not only the Queen, but Prince Phillip, Prince Charles and his wife Camilla, Prince William and his wife Kate, and Prince Harry (apparently, clothed). Talk about a fitting tribute (I guess the royal baby came along too late; and in any event, with a Queen weighing in at less than four inches, the baby would have been too small to be faithfully replicated by blocks). But talk about it we undoubtedly will.

If I don’t want to talk about it, I can ponder the “Quotable quotes” section of the Coffee News. This week, I can choose from George Bernard Shaw, William James or G.K Chesterton, the latter of whom opined that “the way to love something is to realize it might be lost”; which certainly applies to turtles, bird flyways and churches in the County, to name but three. Or I can test my trivia knowledge. Do you know what pnigerophobia is? I’ll give you a hint: it’s the fear of something. Go and pick up your own Coffee News to find out what—I don’t want to spill the entire mug of beans. And I’m only knowledgeable because I happened to read it before you did.

If I am so inclined, I can linger over the What’s Happening (Tai Chi demonstrations) or Horoscope (as an Aquarius, I am advised to use my sense of humour to help take a more objective look at who I am) sections. But I’m still not done. There’s a “Did you know” section crammed with interesting facts (I didn’t know that red and white clover flowers can be enjoyed in salads, or that the first ginger ale was made in Ireland in the mid-1800s, although I was aware about what the game of crokinole entailed). And finally, there’s “On the lighter side,” which contains a few harmless non-racist, non-sexist jokes (sample: if you think you are a person of great influence, try telling someone else’s dog what to do).

All in all, there’s enough to keep a conversation going through at least one three-egg omelette, toast, home fries and coffee. And if you get desperate, there’s always the ads to entertain. Apart from personal injury lawyers, snoring clinics and funeral homes (“Don’t be caught unprepared,” says the ad; but how am I going to be “caught” exactly, once I am dead?), I can clip my own genuine Freddy Vette Show official listener club card, sell my old vinyl to “Mr. 45,” or be reminded of the existence of “puff puff pass” stores in Belleville and Trenton. (I had to look up what that meant, but I think it has to do with a subject close to Justin Trudeau’s heart).

The Coffee News website states that “everything in Coffee News is fun and entertaining… It is a big breath of fresh air to millions of readers who are tired of hearing only bad news.” And for my money, it is just that.

WIth that massive compliment, I wonder if I should be revisiting the top place ranking of the….No: I won’t go there. My livelihood depends upon it.

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca