A thankless job

How many of you would like to be Chief Administrative Officer of the Corporation of the County of Prince Edward at a very attractive salary level? You are mandated to break some eggs in order to achieve efficiencies. But if you break the wrong eggs, or break the right eggs the wrong way, you’re a goner. Since your shelf life is bound to be short, your best hope is to take stress leave before the axe falls, or secure yourself a wrongful dismissal settlement.

I thought so. Nice salary, but on reflection, no thanks.

Well, what about this job? It’s a new position in the suds industry, and its got nothing to do with detergent. Created by the government of Ontario as part of its new beer policy, it’s called the Beer Ombudsman for Ontario. Hey, you think, that’s me: I am a sophisticated consumer of the product, and would be willing to ingest more of it in the public interest. It may be one of those dirty jobs, but someone has to do it. I’ll do my bit for my unborn great-grandchildren and the people of Ontario and step forward.

But I’m here to advise you to think twice before you apply.

The first caution is to be aware that beer itself is a political football. The government announced its new beer policy in a press release with a lead and a subehead. The lead reads, “Ontario Expanding Beer Sales to Grocery Stores.” The subhead states, “Ownership of Hydro One to be Broadened with $4 Billion Raised to be Invested in Infrastructure Projects.” The actual proceeds of the sale of the government’s majority interest in Hydro One are expected to be $9 billion, with $5 billion going to reduce Ontario’s debt. Any way you look at the numbers, the Hydro One sale involves big, big dollars. There may be a lot at stake in the beer industry as well, but nothing of that magnitude. So it’s reasonable to assume that the beer news is being used as political cover for the controversial Hydro One announcement. After all, beer sales and public infrastructure are not two subjects that instantly leap to mind as related.

The second caution is to beware of governmentspeak. The early words from our Premier were: “It’s a great day for people who like their beer cold and more conveniently available.” So if one takes some issue with the new policy, is one a lover of warm beer that is hard to get? Or to state it even more plainly, an out-and-out loser? The new policy also comes with its own Twitter hashtag—#FreeTheBeer. Like the Free Willy movie, or the “Free Nelson Mandela” campaign of days past, it evokes noble sentiments. Except that I wouldn’t have characterized Ontario’s beer supply as worthy of a movement designed to liberate it.

Also, as you probably know, the new policy will allow beer (just singly or in 6-packs) to be sold in a limited number of urban grocery stores—up to 450 of them eventually, although only up to 150 of them by May, 2017. So in other words, both of those numbers could end up being closer to zero. And if you are worried about whether grocery store staff will start slinging beer around as if it were ketchup or lettuce, you will be relieved to know that they will be properly certified and fully trained so that Ontario standards of social responsiblity are always met. It’s obviously not good enough merely to be certified and trained: this is beer we’re talking about, not some everyday commodity like nuclear waste. And it’s good to know that standards will always be met, although the logic of how the government can state that fact with any certainty escapes me.

Thirdly, I caution that the job really isn’t as glamorous as it might appear at first glance. The Beer Ombudsman will “hear complaints from brewers and customers regarding operational issues.” The mandate does not state anything about monitoring product quality. More than that, given how the new policy is laid out on a minefield of vested interests with competing agendas (Beer Store versus craft brewers versus LCBO versus grocery stores versus convenience stores versus beer consumers versus taxpayers), it seems to me that the province knows there will be all kinds of scratchy issues arising, and is trying to get away from involvement in the catfight. Indeed, I’ll wager the Beer Ombudsman is going to spend a lot of his or her workday crying in his or her beer—and then gloomily drinking it at home afterwards.

Maybe that conclusion offers some insight into how the County should be recruiting a new Chief Administrative Officer: “It’s a thankless job, but at least it’s not Beer Ombudsman for Ontario.”

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca