A vineyard with a difference

You’ve probably seen that new building going up off County Road 33 just north of Carrying Place and just south of Hillier. I’ve wondered what it is myself, so I stopped and asked.

I should have guessed. It’s a vineyard. The tall building right at the centre of it will be the Chateau. The estate will be called !Chateau Gusto!. It will open next spring and it will be somewhat different from your run-of-the-mill winery.

“Our aim with !Chateau Gusto!,” says propietor Rudi Blanchi, “is to offer an entertainment megaplex right in the heart of wine country. Because that’s what you have to offer these days: entertainment” One attraction will be the Chateau itself. “Hot and cold running water, luxurious duvets and chauffer-driven cars. Bacon and eggs for breakfast and gourmet hamburgers for supper in a state of the art dining room and conference facility. A spa with hair dryers and an on-site ornithologist—our resort will be the place you think of when you think of 21-room luxury accommodation in the County,” says Blanchi proudly. But that won’t be all. The !Chateau Gusto! will feature an Olympic-sized water slide pool, where parents will be able to drop their children off for the day to be left in the care of a highly qualified lifeguard, self-esteem counsellor and computer programming specialist. Golfers will also be able to practise their duffery on a 5- hole championship-sized putting green.

Every day will feature special events of one sort or another. Friday nights will be impersonator nights. “We’ve already signed this great Yoko Ono impersonator from Japan,” says Blanchi. Saturday and Sunday daytimes will feature the talents of The Reasons—for eight hours, each day. “They’re the County’s most popular band,” notes Blanchi, “so we might as well stick with what works. Until it doesn’t.” Saturday nights will be mud wrestling nights. “It isn’t what you think,” says Blanchi. “All the mud will be 100 per cent recycled from our spa, and it will all be reused so that there is no environmental issue. We insisted right from the get-go that Jello was out of the question.”

Sunday nights will be reserved for monster truck pulls. “It’s a natural fit,” says Blanchi, “we figure we can easily pull in a lot of the Brighton Speedway crowd.” Monday nights will be folk and country music nights. “No one listens to it, anyway,” says Blanchi, “so we might as well give it the graveyard shift. All the musicians are ready to play for nothing anyway, and that’s about what they’re worth. I hope you’re not quoting me on this.”

Tuesday nights will be seniors’ nights. There will be two-for-one specials on euchre tournament entries and wood-fired pizzas. “Although defibrillators might command a special surchage on those nights,” jokes Blanchi, tastelessly. Wednesdays will be reserved for jazz music, which Blanchi notes is very big in the County. “We’re thinking of doing a ‘faithful re-creation of classic jazz albums’ series,” says Blanchi, “in order to celebrate the importance of improvised music.” And finally, Thursdays will be karaoke nights—at $10 per song. “No one ever went broke underestimating a person’s ability to let ego overrule judgment,” notes Blanchi.

When Blanchi asked me what I thought, I responded I was mostly just overwhelmed by the scale of his ambitions. I also stated, however, that I was puzzled about one thing. And that was what, he wondered? Wine. Where was the plan for making and offering up wine amid all this mud wrestling and karaoke? Blanchi looked a little irritated. “We’re a vineyard. I didn’t say we were a winery. We’ll have some grapevines you can have your picture taken with. What more do you want?” Blanchi says sharply.

Well, what about actually making wine, to sell, for drinking purposes? “Are you kidding me?” replies Blanchi. “Do you know what back-breaking work it is to cultivate those g.d. grapes? And how little return you get on your investment, assuming you don’t lose your shirt. Trust me. We’ve run the numbers. You don’t want to be stomping and pressing grapes when you can make 50 times the money for half the work running a waterslide park. And for what? Some bachelorette party piled into the back of a minibus? If people really want !Chateau Gusto! wine, we’ll sell the Chilean stuff we buy by the tanker truck load. We’ll make the labels look nice though. We’re going to say ‘bottled in the County’. Okay? This interview is finished. Am I making myself clear?”

!Chateau Gusto! A vineyard with a difference. Lots of entertainment. An entertaining proprietor. But no locally grown grapes. At least not for wine. Perhaps it’s the way of the future.

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca