Death’s store

So, as my punishment for consuming a hot dog, onion rings and an Orange Crush this past weekend, I was a captive audience to a group of people discussing the importance of buying the biggest, spankiest, most bad arse coffin available. The group was so loud it was impossible to hear my brain tell me to drop the “dog” and buy a salad or to have a conversation with LOML (who just happened to be eating a burger with rings). We couldn’t have a conversation about the anything, let alone our end-of-life plans. This Costco Casket group certainly wasn’t local. You know, if you’re around long enough, you can tell who’s who.

According to the loudest fellow (who seemed to be connected with Costco in some capacity), Costco will soon make coffins available to customers, either online or at their “big box” stores with the promise of 24-hour delivery and at prices local parlours won’t be able to match. For those of you who know me, as some of you do, you know of my love/hate thing for big box stores. If you shop at a warehouse market, like Costco, I think it would be a waste of time to buy anything fewer than two coffins. Am I right? I’ll just bet there will be quantity discounts. You know, a skid full of heavenly transportation devices.

I’d be lying if I said I was surprised by the potential of going to Costco for a year’s supply of toilet paper and being waylaid by the price of caskets. Loud Costco Guy was pretty certain a person wouldn’t have the option of taking a casket home from a big box store in Canada but—what if you could? Wouldn’t the manufacturers of pickup trucks be thrilled to be able to provide something that could handle six feet of satin-lined, mahogany death sofa? Imagine the television ads! Imagine stuffing 80 rolls of TP; 36 loaves of bread; 13 gallons of liquid hand soap; 22 pounds of chocolatecoated almonds and a coffin or two under the tonneau cover of your F150. What a trip! Actually, you could shop for the “please join the family for refreshments” gathering, and the box, at the same time.

The funeral business is big. Sooner or later, we are all in the market for a wooden overcoat of some kind or another, for someone or another. And, sooner or later we’ll be looking for a professional with a softsing- songy voice, nicely manicured hands, who is wearing a good suit, to take care of our terminal needs. We’ll want someone to tell us our choices are respectful and understated and someone to arrange to handle all of the delicate details.

We’ve had the discussion, LOML and I. We talked about going green (and I don’t mean that kind of green); a private service, family service, a memorial service or skip the service and have a party; a plot, or not; cremations or cryonics; firing the cremains into outer space (come on, who hasn’t had that discussion); civil service; religious service; hiring mourners (you’d have to know my family to appreciate this); themes; colours—well, you name it. We’ve discussed it all. We’ve shared many an evening and a bottle of wine laughing and snorting and crying about what to do and what has been done in the past. Funeral arrangements can be nerve wracking and gut wrenching and it’s easy to get carried away in the name of what the neighbours might think.

Now, imagine if the neighbours knew you bought the casket at Costco! Better still, imagine the look on the neighbours’ faces when you pull into the driveway with your “big box” purchase.

theresa@wellingtontimes.ca