Doing 50, turning 70

The pop music milestones are piling up. Paul McCartney, who is knocking them dead on his current Canadian tour, has just turned 70. The surviving members of The Who, both in their late 60s, having weathered numerous ‘farewell’, ‘goodbye’ and ‘last chance to see us’ tours, are once more touring to play their album Quadrophenia, heretofore considered unlistenable.

And then there are the Rolling Stones. It’s their 50th anniversary— which happens to occur just before Christmas, and just in advance of Mick Jagger and Keith Richards turning 70 next year. You can still call them the bad boys of rock, if you wish. I prefer to think of them as the bad boys of shameless hucksterism.

To mark the momentous 50th anniversary event, the Stones have put out an album entitled Grrr!—Greatest Hits 1962-2012. How thoughtful of them. By one count, this marks their 30th compilation album – which puts the repackaging count higher than the 29 original studio albums they have made.

The album is of course available digitally, on vinyl and on CD. The CD comes in a 40- track, 2-disk package (in selected markets, such as Australia, only); a 50-track, 3-disk package with special paraphernalia; a deluxe set with even more paraphernalia; and a super-deluxe 80-track, 4-disk set, with yet more paraphernalia. Just in case any market segment has been left untouched.

The Stones have also opened a shop on London’s Carnaby Street, and decorated the street with “huge clusters of gold vinyl records, photos, artwork and album covers.” Coincidentally, the shop and outdoor displays will be open from now, through Christmas, until early January.

And if you can’t make if down to London yourself, you can always get your Stones fan relative a 352-page souvenir book, “curated by us…..Mick, Keith, Charlie & Ronnie.” Or if that doesn’t appeal to grandpa, there’s the Rolling Stones Limited Edition Pinball Machine. A steal at $6,599, each will come with a certificate of authenticity numbered from 1 to 350. If you’re into the visual arts, you can select a limited edition print. For $250, for example, there’s a “hand-numbered” photograph of Keith and Mick in a pub taken just minutes before they learned that Keith had won his appeal, and Mick had gained a conditional discharge, on some unspecified criminal charges.

Too pricey? How about a 50th anniversary ski vest ($100), hoodie ($70), T-shirt ($40), or coffee mug ($20)? You can even buy the the Stones’ mobile phone app from iTunes. (Just be aware of the review posted by “Dude291968,” who wrote: “Loved it but it froze up after watching clip. Stuck on that page. Now only thing I can do is listen to a song. Won’t exit.” That’s the Rolling Stones for you, right there: won’t exit.)

Oh, yes, there is a concert tour, sort of. Two November dates in London and three December dates in New York. All over by Christmas. After all, if you can move several tons of merchandise based on the 50- year hook, why bother touring?

And that takes me, finally, to the point I want to make. Somewhere along the line, we all have to accept that we age, and that not all of us do so gracefully. Being a bad boy of rock doesn’t exempt you. If they don’t face up to it, the Rolling Stones will eventually be resented or ridiculed, or both. Personally, I think this presents them with an opportunity—one they will look at seriously because they can make money at it. And that’s to laugh back at the aging process.

I will not be surprised to see a change in marketing strategy next year. I look for the Stones to launch something like the ‘Steel Wheelchairs’ tour, and bill it as the largest tour ever accompanied by hip replacment specialists. There will be another greatest hits album, of course, but this time they’ll put out seniorfriendly versions of their songs, such as Let’s Spend the Afternooon Together, Get Off of My Walker, Time May Not Be on My Side, and record them at lower volumes consistent with hearing aid frequencies. They’ll create an avatar of Mick Jagger to perform the lewd stage movements, or have a robot play the drums. No doubt they’ll come up with something even better.

If they do, I may even sign up as a fan myself. They have nothing to lose—certainly not their dignity, which they sacrificed on the altar of commerce some 15 compilation albums ago.

David Simmonds’s writing is also available at www.grubstreet.ca.