Hack for the holidays

Last week I promised a few household hacks. Here are some of my favourites. I’m just kidding. I don’t have any favourite hacks, except to remember to have enough coffee beans on hand for my morning cup-o-joe. This, of course, isn’t really a hack. It’s just a safety precaution.

So, here’s hack number one. Put ice cubes in your dryer to get wrinkles out of your clothes. Yep, you read that right. I’ve heard if a person puts two or three ice cubes in the dryer with their wrinkly clothes, then set the dryer heat to high and let’r rip for about eight minutes, all of the wrinkles will magically disappear. Personally, I’ve found I first must remember to fill the ice cube trays or it’s just a dryer full of wrinkly clothes whirling around getting hot and, likely, more wrinkly. Since I don’t have a hack to remember to put water in the ice cube tray before I put it back into the freezer, I can’t say I’ve ever really tried this hack. Like most of all y’all, I only use two or three ice cubes at a time and can’t think of any reason to put water into a partially empty ice cube tray. This lack-of-hack makes sense to me until I’m digging around in the freezer for a handful of ice cubes for my dinner-making-daiquiri and I have to drink it neat and while wearing wrinkly clothes.

Hack number two is about picking up broken glass. Now, for me it would be the daiquiri glass on my kitchen floor. I understand, to pick up broken glass a person should use a piece of sandwich bread. Again, you’ve read that correctly. To execute this hack one must sprinkle a little bit of water on a piece of bread, and press it on the floor where the glass fragments are and it will pick up the broken glass. Of course, it helps to have a slice or two of plain old sandwich bread lolling around, which I hardly ever have on hand. I have tried this with the grainy, seedy bread I buy, but I end up with a mucky mess on the floor. You get the picture: a melange of flax, sesame and pumpkin seeds, soggy bread dough and glass shards on my kitchen floor. If you do happen to have a slice of sandwich bread looking like it wants to help, press it into use on the broken glass, but don’t press too hard our you’ll end up with glass shards embedded in your fingers. And, don’t step on the spot where the glass shards might be. If you’re like me and favour bare feet year round, your bare feet are bound to find the shards long before the bread does. Also, if this bread-thingy works for you, remember to throw the bread out as soon as you’ve cleared the deck of those glass foot-stabbers. Don’t leave the glass-shard-bread on the counter because ain’t nobody want that kind of crunchy peanut butter for lunch.

My third “hack” is for those of us who have had to deal with a weird smell in the house. I’ll bet most of you know about this one. This particular hack doesn’t work on the dead squirrel in the gas furnace exhaust vent smell, by the way. But, you can neutralize bad odours with lemon or lime or orange peels. So, if you’ve just cooked up a big batch of salmon and cabbage and Brussels sprouts and want to get rid of the smell without swabbing down the entire kitchen, just boil a pot of water with citrus peels (or wedges) in it. Of course, if you’re going with wedges of citrus, don’t use the slices you used as a garnish on your evening cocktail unless you want to replace the cabbage, Brussels sprout and salmon smell with eau de barroom. If the weird smell isn’t in the kitchen I, plain and simply, am not suggesting the use of your portable single-burner in the boom-boom room. I’ve found it really difficult to explain why there’s a Kuraidori™ Induction Burner in the WC. Also, just from experience, grapefruit peels are a “negatory”. Don’t replace one bad smell with another.

My final hack-du-jour is about cleaning your blender. Apparently, a person can rinse your blender clean in seconds without disassembling it. Simply fill the container halfway with hot water along with a squeeze of dish detergent, then secure the lid and press the puree button. Now, if you don’t blow the lid off the blender with the action of the hot water and bubbles, in an enclosed environment, you should end up with fairly clean blades. Don’t forget to rinse the container with clean water afterwards, though. I’ve found that cocktails just don’t taste right with that soupçon of Dawn, although it’ll be the frothiest cocktail you’ve ever made, guaranteed. What’s that you ask? No, I’ve never forgotten to rinse.

And that, folks, is my take on household hacks. Follow me, on Facebook, for more recipes and hacks. Next week, Alternate Lyrics for Your Favourite Festive Holiday Tunes. Some of my childhood favourites include, “Hark the hairy danger rings” and “He’s makin’ a list of chicken and rice. Gonna find out whose potty’s on ice”.