If I only had a brain

I could while away the hours,
conferrin’ with the flowers Consultin’ with the rain.
And my head I’d be scratchin’
while my thoughts were busy hatchin’
If I only had a brain.

I’d unravel every riddl
e for any individ’le,
In trouble or in pain.
With the thoughts you’ll be thinkin’
you could be another Lincoln
If you only had a brain.

Oh, I could tell you why
The ocean’s near the shore.
I could think of things I never thunk before.
And then I’d sit, and think some more.

I would not be just a nothin’
my head all full of stuffin’
My heart all full of pain.
I would dance and be merry,
life would be a ding-a-derry.
If I only had a brain.

Song lyric by Yip Harburg. From The Wizard of Oz, 1939.

What a great song that was. For some reason, it seemed to enjoy a revival in the George W. Bush era. My buddies The Dazzlebugs still play it around these parts.

For the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz, this news may come a little late. But guess what? They’ve made one! At the University of Waterloo!

Now admittedly, this brain is just a virtual brain, a piece of computer software. And it scrapes by using only 2.5 million virtual neurons, as opposed to the 1 billion neurons of the average human. But for your average Scarecrow, this represents a vast improvement –unless you take the position that the Scarecrow did in fact have a satisfactory brain—albeit made of flimsy compostable material—he just didn’t realize he did until Dorothy showed him.

The virtual brain is called SPAUN, which stands for the “Semantic Pointer Architecture Unified Network,” as if that means anything. The brain is the brainchild, so to speak, of neuroscientist Dr. Chris Eliasmith. And while there are other, more powerful virtual brains out there, this one has folks excited because it performs multiple functions. It has been built to replicate the very parts of the brain that process images, control movements and store shortterm memories. It’s a real glow-in-the-dark brain too, because the neural pathways being put to use at any particular point are lit up.

SPAUN can perform a few simple brain pet tricks. It can generate an answer to a number sequencing question; it can recognize and replicate a symbol from a series of symbols; and it can remember most, but not all, of a sequence of numbers.

You’ve got to love a virtual brain that is as fallible as a human brain. But I suspect that, if they can build a mechanical watch accurate to within 5/10,000ths of a second, it won’t be too long before they can build a brain with a billion neurons (probably using a computer to so do), which will give the human brain some real competition. After that, of course, the computer will start to simulate the brain better than the brain itself can. That will tend to put the human brain on the verge of obsolescence, if it isn’t sitting there already.

The SPAUN virtual brain sets the mind spinning. Medical research, for example, can now be carried out not on long-suffering laboratory rats, but through a computer, and come as close to a human trial as is mechanically possible: resarchers are already lining up to test various drugs that treat psychiatric conditions.

But for every positive spin, I see just as many negative worries. What if I think my brain could stand some improvement? Will I be able to shop around for an upgrade, and someday be able to open up my paper and read an ad like this: “This week only: fully functional virtual brain, estimated IQ 128, strength in mathematics and sciences, weakness in fine arts and creativity. $599 delivered; elsewhere up to $899. Ships in five days. Does not include batteries. Some assembly required.”

Would a market open up for the great artists of our time to make their brains available for replication? Would that mean a Justin Bieber or Celine Dion hanging around every street corner? And if everyone got one, who would come out ahead? More urgently, how can we act quickly so as to ban the replication of the brains of federal and provincial politicians to prevent neural contamination?

Progess: you can’t hold it back, or direct where it flows. But I shudder to think what SPAUN will spawn. It all makes one long for the good old days when Scarecrows dreamed of having brains – and when all was said and done, were satisfied with the ones they had. Indeed, at the end of the story, wasn’t the Scarecrow deemed “the wisest man in all of Oz”?

David Simmonds’s writing is also available at www.grubstreet.ca.