Columnists
Impostor syndrome
There is an affliction in our society that is probably easily fixed by Building Self Esteem and Sucking It Up. It’s called Impostor Syndrome, and it strikes in the hearts of people who are given responsibility or trust they have earned but somehow feel is undeserved.
It’s a delusion. One that is harmful to the person who develops it. It leads to other nasty problems, like Self-Fulfilling Prophecies, a Constant Sense of Unease and Not Achieving Goals.
These are not productive problems. They are red herrings in a busy world that has no time for them.
When, in last week’s Comment, our Fearless Leader of the past 13 years (well, in my case, five, but let’s not split hairs) announced his intention to step down as chair after that very publication, and that I would take his place as the paper’s editor, the Impostor Syndrome found its way into my heart.
How could I take a publication that has been so much a part of this community, whether revered or reviled by so many, and run with it? I am not Rick Conroy. I am a 32-year-old woman, and one who has spent much of my adult life wondering what I want to be when I grow up.
As the wonderful people who deliver our paper snaked their way along County roads last Wednesday, doubt snaked its way through my brain. Could I really do it? Could I really keep this paper going as the “best paper in the County,” as folks keep telling me, when I identify myself at events.
A couple days later, a letter came in. It was from Fran Renoy, one of the paper’s most loyal advocates and, as she referred to herself when we first met five years ago, its cub reporter. The letter spoke to the wonderful work Rick Conroy and Kathleen Sabyan had done in their 13 years at The Times. Articles with a voice. Photographs with the faces of the community.
I agreed with her. And began biting my nails.
The stories came together easily enough.
Many of this week’s stories are of the variety we often follow. And my colleague, Ramesh Pooran, another wonderful photographer, was on the ready to cover events that would give the paper that community feeling.
There were meetings to discuss details. How would we change? But most of those details had to do with process, since I would be taking over some of what Rick Conroy had been doing. We will make some changes to the website, and bring more to readers who visit us there.
Columns started coming in over the weekend, and they each had that feel to them that they usually had. They had no doubt that their own part of the paper could remain the same.
It wasn’t until yesterday morning, preparing the paper for print and agonizing over my decisions that I realized something.
I’m not Rick Conroy. And that’s okay. I’m also not alone here.
Maybe things will change a bit. Maybe you, our readers, will notice, and maybe you won’t. I’m certain I’ll hear from you about it. But I’m Mihal Zada, and whether you’re disappointed or delighted about that, I—we—got this.
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