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In the end
This past weekend, LOML and I attended the memorial service of a friend and colleague. While I have never been a fan of the funeral-in-achurch service, I am a fan of memorial services. I’m a bit selfish that way. Funerals are so shockingly immediate while memorial services are often held weeks or even months after the death. I have long felt that a memorial service gives friends and family a bit of time to examine their emotions, sort the photographs, look through belongings and begin to deal with the reality of a life without that someone. Quite often, those closest to the deceased get together to talk, to be a soft shoulder to one another, to reminisce and to plan a fitting memorial.
Accepting the reality of a death is difficult for most people. Some folks need to have the visitations and the service in a church or at the chapel with the body present. Some cultures and religions dictate a process and a timeframe. When my parents died, they left a will but didn’t leave any directions with regard to how they wanted to be laid to rest. They had an accountant and a lawyer who knew how to deal with the disposition of the estate, but we didn’t know how to just plain deal with their remains. Each one of the seven of us had a notion of what would be right. We’d all attended funerals and memorial services for members of our family and for our friends. Some of us wanted to toe the line and do what had been done for our grandparents.
A couple of us wanted a bigger todo, with an expensive casket, some well-chosen quotes from scriptures, music, poetry, flowers, cards, donations to charities and a catered reception. A few of us wanted an early cremation, then wait a few weeks and have a memorial service. Each of us was absolutely correct and right about what we wanted. Isn’t that the way with all families? And a big to-do it was in 2008 for my mother and in 2009 for my father. The arrangements were, as they say, entrusted to a well-respected company. Everything from the venue, to the flowers, to the casket, the cremation after the service, to the words spoken, to the massive reception—taken care of by a funeral home. This funeral home had served our family’s needs very well on many occasions for many decades and it did a stellar job. While their service was impeccable from beginning to end, only four days had passed. I’m not saying we didn’t need the professional assistance, but at the end of the big day, I felt we all needed more time. I certainly did. But the time had passed.
Death is inevitable but also unpredictable and, to that end (no pun intended), I have made my wishes very clear to LOML and our children. I created a document entitled, “How to Ditch the *itch.” My children know where to find it and basically they know I mean business. YCOM (youngest child of mine) said, with a big smile on her face, “What are you going to do if we don’t follow your wishes?” I wonder if she really knows me.
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