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Just the way I am
Over the years, I have known oodles of people who start their New Year a bit hungover and a with a very long list of resolutions. Most definitely, I was one of those people, back in the day. It was genetic. I came from a long line of hungover people who were resolution list makers. I wasn’t exactly a hungover kind of person as in that “What the H E double eggnogs did I drink to make me feel so rotten” sense. I was more like a tension headache person because of my long list of things I was going to do or stop doing to make my life the bestest and most completest in the New Year.
Like a lot of you, Numero Uno on my resolution list was to lose weight (and that’s what usually gave me the headache). By the time I was sixteen, the idea of a dramatic weight loss hit the top of my list on January 1st. Sixteen years of age was when I discovered my sisters’ fashion magazines. It was the year I paid attention to the Eaton’s and Simpson’s catalogues. Sixteen years of age was when I finally did my own shopping and spent far too much time in clothing stores. Sixteen years of age was when I had a serious part-time job to support my interest in being Twiggy-like, dressing like a Mod and spending almost all of my disposable income on clothing. At sixteen years of age, all of my income was disposable. With the exception of buying TTC tickets and school lunch when I didn’t like what Mom had packed in the brown bag, I had money to spend on anything I pleased. I hadn’t made a foray into booze at that age, but I did enjoy the discovery of fast food. I have LOML to thank for the introduction to “fast food”. At sixteen years of age, I must have figured I would never need to watch what I eat and wasn’t opposed to scarfing back a plate of gravycovered greasy fries, burgers and, generally, any kind of drive-in diner food hours after enjoying a homemade meal with my family. Harvey’s and Red Barn were our usual hangouts. Suddenly, at sixteen I wanted to “wake up skinny”. I certainly didn’t understand the work, the devotion or the nutritional information needed for a healthy weight loss. And, at sixteen I clocked in at about one hundred and twenty pounds. I wasn’t exactly obese, but the pressure to be “better”, “skinnier”, “skeletal” was always there. My teenage years were a mix of fast food and diet-angst. As I got older, much older, I changed my tune a bit. I actually joined Weight Watchers and spend quality time going to Counterweight. In between diet group memberships I dove headlong into crazy diets involving cabbage soup, high protein meals and the almost complete avoidance of carbohydrates. Thank goodness, more recently my New Year “top of the list” resolution was about making healthier food and lifestyle choices. Within the last decade my number one resolution was still my weight, but number two on my list was usually something about getting more exercise. I vowed to do more walking, more cycling, spend more quality time at the gym and to do more hiking. My resolve to be better in a brand new year usually lasted as long as I could stand to live on one of my crazy, self-imposed and restrictive lifestyles. Even though I promised myself I wasn’t dieting, I was dieting. It takes a long time to form a habit and an even longer time (and a lot more patience) to break a habit, especially a bad habit. I’m still traumatized by the thought of eating too much chocolate, having a glass of wine with my pizza on Friday, or drinking too many flat whites.
So, here I am. I’m way past being sixteen years of age, heck some of the grandkids/friends are teenagers. I probably weigh a bit more than one hundred and twenty pounds, but I don’t own a bathroom scale to confirm. Today, the first day of January, I understand and appreciate the value of a healthy lifestyle and yet I find myself thinking about losing weight in all of the unhealthy ways I’ve ever read about, heard about and tried. The difference this year, I think, is I’ve promised myself I won’t make Deprivation Resolutions. I won’t jump on a diet bandwagon. I have resolved I won’t sweat the choices the younger me would have agonized over. I have resolved to embrace the body I live in, right now, and respect the person who is responsible for me, and the choices she makes. I have resolved to spend more time out-of-doors, not trying to clock a record pace, or get ready to run a 10K or a marathon, but to enjoy the sights and sounds around me. I resolve to spend more time saying “no” to toxic people, places and things. I will be good to myself from this year forward and I won’t feel bad about it.
I wish you a peaceful, happy and creative 2022. Maybe I’ll see you on The Trail.
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