Columnists
Living under BS
I usually leave this to Rick Conroy, who seems to find great great joy in analyzing council documents, and can actually read and understand their bizarre budgeting reports, with endless pages. Personally, I would have slit my throat after page five, because these documents are printed in an alien language I can’t wrap my head around.
As a prelude to this, I would like to say I do not speak legalese. I failed miserably in high school French, but made my teacher (Mrs. Holt) laugh herself to tears when she heard how I could butcher the language. I also took one term in Russian, and learned how to direct Olga to the library, if I were ever in Moscow, and she found a local who did not know where the library was. Obviously, because I’m a rural Canadian guy and have no idea where the Russian libraries are located.
So talking nonsense is pretty much my thing. Sadly, there’s lots of other people who are more skilled at spouting nonsense than me.
HERE’S THE THING
I received a document from the County, and realized there might possibly be something in there that might affect my business. So, God help me, I opened it. I don’t know how many of you ever open these missives. Maybe you don’t even receive them, and only need to face people on email who want to place you number one on the Google page.
UNDERSTANDING BS
First, class, please go to the council website and read any of their documents. Choose any one. Makes no difference. Make sense to you? They have headings—tons of headings— so you may want to go to pages 2, 3 and 4, and scroll the contents. This will lead to you something you think might affect you. But no.
After you work through the section on how abattoirs are regulated, you can fish around endlessly, because the County has potloads of material that make you think you’ve found something useful to you.
I know you’re too lazy, or crazy, to actually perform this exercise, so I’ll give you a sample— a Cole’s Notes version:
“The headings of the Sections and Subsections of this By-law or on any of the Schedules attached to and forming part of this By-law hereof, together with the illustrations, examples and explanatory notes appearing at various places throughout this By-law or on any of the Schedules attached to and forming part of this By-law hereof, have been inserted as a matter of convenience and for reference only and in no way define, limit or enlarge the scope or meaning of this By-law or any of its provisions.” Get it?
I don’t need a lawyer, or even Russian, to interpret this: “Whatever you read does not come back to us. Whatever you think we did, we didn’t, at least as far as you can prove. You will do what we say, if you can figure out what that is.”
See? If the County hired me, a long-standing, somewhat-respected editor, I could pound this 400-page document down to 10 pages.
IT’S ALL ABOUT THE RULES
They make them, usually if the Province has a gun at their back. When making rules, there are a few things you need to learn:
1) Make rules, even if they don’t make any sense;
2) Back them up with a mish-mash of twisted English language pulled from some Giant Book O’ Law, so no one without a PhD, can tell what they are required to do;
3) Make sure things like abattoirs and aerodromes (yes, it’s in there!) are strictly controlled by … somebody. Bloomfield has parking bylaws, but no bylaw enforcement officer. This might fall under: “Rules that are not ably enforced by proper authorities, due to lack of funds, require the offender to appear at Shire Hall and declare their crime willingly, so we can … wait a minute, I’m on page 300 … should be coming up soon …” (This is not from an official document; I made it up. Still, the point stands.)
I KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENS
Lawyers. And the Province. Everyone fears lawyers, because they talk like lawyers do, slick as hell. Skilled at BS. Lawyers have memorized the entire Roget’s Thesaurus, looking for words that are vague, non-specific and worthy of the shuck-and-jive profession they serve. The Province fears lawyers for the same reason.
Having forced you into this world, I ask you this: Do you think the Premier ever reads any of the crap in any of the documents spewed out by our council? Or by their own government? Hell, no. No leader goes home, has a meal and a glass of beer, and wants to curl up in bed with 400 pages of BS. Would you? That ain’t me babe. Nor is it you.
ON THE GROUND
Only the truly dedicated can walk through this bizarre world in which meaning is intentionally befuddled and disguised. Planned confusion. Even Council, bless their hearts, doesn’t have the strength and time to wade through the ocean of BS that was created for them, handed to them, told these were rules that must be followed. I would never wish this on them, and certainly on us. Ridiculous bylaws are enforced, when we are just trying to be us.
If you enter this world, you will see what I see, and it will not make you happy. For those of you who speak English, but do not speak legalese, I offer this explanation from a County document willingly sent to me, as if I could translate it:
“For the purposes of this By-law, words used in the present tense include the future; words in singular number include the plural and words in the plural include the singular number; the word ‘shall’ is mandatory; the word ‘may’ is permissive.” Not to go to the vernacular, but, “Hey. Wachyou talkin’ ‘bout, man?”
DON’T GO THERE
The weird part is (there’s always a weird part) no one wants these rules. Not us, not Council. Only the rule-makers want these rules. They are not us. They don’t know how we live, how we grow, how we survive. What we do.
This is a giant joke … on all of us. We could abide by the rules, but they are intentionally incomprehensible. To everyone involved, including our local government. In my analysis and studies, I have determined: This is a stupid system. Not a brilliant observation, but apt. As usual, if you’re fixing your screen door, the building people will be all over you for a permit. If you’re Council, you can take a fast train with our money, and money they don’t have. The answer is in there somewhere. None of us are able to find it. Call up a lawyer friend for a beer. Maybe he can figure it out, if you get him drunk.
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