Man of La Mantra

Everyone acknowledges the popularity of low-stress exercise forms such as meditation, yoga, tai chi and pilates. But there is an elephant in the room—actually, just outside the room—and a Wellington area man sees that as a business opportunity.

The elephant, according to Mel Alfer of Swamp College Road, is the male of the species. Apart from the occasional man who either wants to be surrounded by women for strategic purposes or does the exercise for its own sake, most of the participants are female.

Alfer is interested in reaching men who find exercise of any sort a pain in the neck, and people who harp about the need for exercise a pain in a lower extremity. “Most men are naturally disinclined to sit on mats and contort themselves,” said Alfer. “And they don’t go for tight spandex or anything you can’t do with a pair of blue jeans on. So our trick is to work with what men do in their day-to-day activities. We’ve got to validate their lifestyle, in other words.”

Alfer has established the Men’s Passive Exercise Institute (MPEI for short), which will be opening at a yet-to-be-determined County location in the new year. The MPEI will be offering a number of proprietary new programs designed by Alfer. His initial offering is a new form of exercise he calls Mamedoga—a coined word that incorporates elements of masculinity, meditation and yoga. And, as is the case with yoga, Mamedoga willl be offered by the MPEI in several distinct styles.

The first is what he calls ‘Kettle’ style. This calls for the student to learn to rock back and forth, preferably outside on a porch, and achieve a state of inner bliss while others scurry around feverishly attempting to complete work for which the student was responsible. The student may choose to smoke a ‘serenity pipe’ where regulations permit.

“The yin and yang of this is very intense,” says Alfer. On the one hand, you’ve got your inner bliss; on the other, your outer chaos. It’s trickier than it looks. It will appeal most to the black-and-white TV generation.”

The second is ‘Bumstead’ style. The aim of this technique is to achieve a state of deep somnolence during daylight hours while placed on an item of ordinary household furniture. “The main element is that you cannot sit upright,” says Alfer. “And it’s a lot harder than it looks.” But the payoff comes in the form of a deep relaxation and a deniability factor (“I never heard you ask”) when it comes to the completion of assigned household chores. A student will have reached a high skill level when he can remain in a Bumsteadian state even though his employer barges in and begins haranguing him.

The third variant is the ‘Simpsons’ style. This technique requires the student to focus his concentration on a screen about 10 feet away, and to render himself oblivious to his external surroundings; and then to surrender his thoughts in order to absorb the screen. “If you want, you can call it channelling the channel,” said Alfer.

Alfer stresses the importance of wearing comfortable clothing during this process. Some men believe it important to follow the regimen of the discipline’s founder, and perform their regimen in their underwear. It is also common practice to repeat a mantra to take up the trance-like state; occasionally “ohm,” but more usually “d’oh.”

Alfer is also taking his chances and foregoing a bank loan and a government grant. “All I need is a few old easy chairs and some working TVs,” he said, “and I can rent some abandoned gas station for next to nothing. I’ll be the staff person, so it comes down to doing the most with your limited marketing budget.” He plans to market his product where candidate males congregate—hockey arenas, hardware stores and restaurants that serve a generous breakfast ’til late in the morning, for example.

Alfer added that he will probably need to buy some accoutrements for the lobby, such as posters of forest scenes with inspirational quotations, incense and chimes. “We don’t want someone’s wife coming in the door and thinking ‘this is just a bunch of guys sitting around doing nothing’. Even though that’s what it really is.”

But hold on a minute, we asked him. Women read this newspaper. Won’t an article give the game away? In response, Alfter uttered a Simpsons-style mantra chant, and promptly terminated the interview. Further calls to his office were not returned.

Read David Simmonds’s previous columns and other humour writings at www.grubstreet.ca.