New Ford video shocker

No one has ever gone broke underestimating the capacity of Toronto mayor Rob Ford to shock the ostensibly unshockable. Yet tales of a new Ford video are surfacing, with those who purport to have seen it saying it ‘takes the cake‘ compared with all that has gone before.

The Times has not seen this video and cannot say whether it exists. It has been contacted by a source claiming to have a previously unseen video for sale, and offering the Times first dibs on the world exclusive; but Times publisher Rick Conroy said in a prepared statement that “the Times does not do chequebook journalism; and besides, they were asking too much.”

What can be said about the video is that its maker is believed to be the object of the famous ‘Ford rant’ video, in which Ford asks for just a few minutes in which to beat an unnamed enemy senseless. But what could have gotten under Ford’s skin so badly?

While the Times does not comment on rumour, it is quite prepared in the interest of a free and unfettered press, never mind healthy advertising revenue, to pass on such rumour. So here goes. The video shows a shadowy figure—from the body contours, most likely Ford—in a Starbucks coffee shop politely but enthusiastically ordering a large café latte. That’s right: a café latte.

“This will be absolutely devastating to everything Ford Nation is built upon,” said a source who was not too proud to be quoted, but who didn’t want his name used. “Just like with Mike Duffy’s expenses, it alienates the base, it cheapens the brand: it’s indefensible. I mean, we’re not talking about some double double at Tim Hortons here. Nobody, but nobody, in Ford Nation, would so much as sniff a café latte.”

Ford has apparently already devised a strategy for dealing with the bad news. First of all, he will say he cannot comment on a video that he has not seen or does not exist. Second, he will deny that he has ever ingested café latte. Third, he will say that he was never asked the right question; but that he will volunteer that he has probably taken it, while in an angry rage, brought upon by a drug-induced haze, precipitated by a drunken stupor. Fourth, he will say he is super, super, super (etc) sorry – but what more do you want him to do, folks. Fifth, his brother Doug will point to a vast left wing conspiracy aimed at Ford. And sixth, he will knock his opponents over if they don’t give up pestering him.

Speaking of Ford’s opponents, they are already having a field day with the rumoured video. “I’m shocked I tell you, shocked” said one former Ford ally, whom we caught up to handing out “Me for Mayor” buttons in the corridors of Toronto City Hall. “The mayor obviously needs to take a leave of absence to deal with some serious personal issues, about which we all care deeply; and which will no doubt prevent him from running again next year. Personally, I think each councillor should submit to mandatory testing. That way, we could sniff out all the café latte users and the tofu addicts on city council.”

Others were crestfallen. Finance minister Jim Flaherty, a longtime family friend, would only say: “shut the * up, Kenney; or this time I really will punch you in the shnozz,” reffering to Employment, Social Development and Multiculturalism minister Jason T. Kenney. Interviewer Conrad Black issued a statement (not on Vision TV letterhead) saying he had suffered similar indignities at the hands of the U.S. criminal justice system and felt Ford’s pain. Toronto police chief Bill Blair admitted that as a citizen, he was “disappointed” in the actions said to be caught on video. And down in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, local sheriff Billy Bob Blodgkiss allowed as how he had had to arrest a local councillor only the week before for ingesting latte while issuing right wing rhetoric; noting that “in this jurisdiction, we go by the rule of law: we’re not Toronto.”

Premier Kathleen Wynne was reluctant to be quoted, but did issue a statement noting that Ford had “brought shame upon honest and hardworking latte drinkers everywhere”; while Deputy Mayor Norm Kelly was heard to remark “hey, I”m having a ball: can I wear the chain of office now?” And, perhaps predictably, late night talkshow hosts were already having a field day with the latest revelations. One was impersonating Ford delicately sipping capuccino while reading a copy of An Inconvenient Truth and watching public television.

But can Ford rebuild his standing with his base, which is where his votes come from. “If he comes clean, and claims to have thought he was at an Argos game ordering a beer, anything’s possible,” said an Etobicoke resident and Ford supporter. “Say, what does cafe latte taste like, anyway?”

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca