Not just a noticeboard

We’ve got quite the little construction boom going on in Wellington. Over in the west end, a new dental centre is going up on Prince Edward Drive, and a new restaurant/LCBO complex has been started on Main Street. In the east end, they’ve been busy erecting a greenhouse at Blooms on West Lake. And in the centre of town, work seems to be charging ahead on the somewhat- less-Devonishire Inn, somewhat-more- Drake Hotel.

But the sleeper construction project for my money is the new illuminated sign in front of the United Church. The sign—facing a logical east/west rather than north/south—brightly informs us of the Church and its minister, Steve Spicer. What intrigues me is that the sign contains a builtin digital noticeboard, which—at least at the time of this writing—just flashes out a very tasteful and low key ‘period’ symbol. In the very near future, however, it will provide a running text, such as we see on the sign outside the new DukeDome, controlled by a local computer.

I lie awake wondering what that running text will consist of.

Most obviously, it will announce funerals. We can be hamstrung if someone passes away on, say, a Wednesday and has a funeral on, say, a Saturday: it can’t be noted in any of our weekly papers in a timely enough basis. Admittedly, the jungle telegraph works surprisingly well, but the signboard will be timely.

And obviously, the church will want to use its signboard to promote church events. I for one would be upset if it didn’t constantly remind me of an upcoming chicken and biscuits luncheon because, like most of us, I forget to write dates down, or write them down on that piece of paper I put somewhere clever but can’t say where, or write them down in hieroglyphics and then toss the paper out in disgust because I’ve got no idea what the note was about. No harm in using a two-by-four on me . Venturing a tiny bit further afield, the next most obvious use is to display those short, thoughtful and humorous expressions that churches like to put on their low-tech, wheel-away signboards. You know, “Jesus: much more than the beard and sandals”; or “God, the really big picture guy”; or “Heaven: all loafin’ and fishin’, all the time”—that sort of thing. But here’s where you begin to encounter problems. Anything controlled by computer is expected to be up to the minute. Just as we know how tedious it must be to take down an old-technology signboard letter by letter, we know how easy it is to refresh a text message. If people see the same message for three or four days, they’ll think to themselves “can’t these religion people come up with something a little newer?” In other words, if you go high tech, you have to step up your game.

According to the Reverend Steve, the signboard is also there to inform about other events going on in the community. That will pose a few of its own problems. If the Anglican Church across the street is holding a bake sale at the same time as that chicken and biscuits lunch, will it be allowed to advertise the event; and if so, should it contribute to the cost of the sign the United Church paid for? How far must ecumenical benevolence extend?

And what about people who want to post a sign that says something like “The old rooster turns 60: congratulations Wayne”? Would posting a message like that be lowering the tone? Will there have to be minimum age limit imposed on messages of felicitation? Will there be one standard for parishoners and another for non-parishoners?

All these minor ethical dilemmas and one digital noticeboard: makes me glad I’m not the signmaster.

But I should stop thinking about the awkward possibilities and be positive. Perhaps local businesses will want to advertise on the board, and it will both keep the community up to date and generate revenue for the church. Perhaps its success will lead other properties in the commercial zone to follow suit with illluminated noticeboards of their own, so that before long you won’t know whether you’re standing at the corner of Wharf and Main or in Times Square. Perhaps MuchMusic will decide it simply has to have its studios down where the action is, and suddenly everyone walking the streets will have orange hair and body ornamentation, which will be a good thing.

And I guess, if the end of the world really does become nigh and the signmaster is on his or her game, we’ll find out in real time; which will allow us to put our affairs in order and probably result in a land offiice business for the church, thereby justifying its investment in the digital noticeboard many times over. Amen to that.

David Simmonds’s writing is also available at www.grubstreet.ca.