Not on the bucket list

The term “bucket list” has wormed its way into our vocabulary. We’ve had the 2007 movie featuring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson, and a surge in the sales of a new category of books with titles like 1,000 Places to See Before You Die: A Traveler’s Life List. The way I see it—and call me a sentimental old existentialist if you wish —the “before you die” bit is just a sales gimmick.

Regardless of the provenance of the expression, I don’t have a personal bucket list. If I did, the item I crossed off my potential list a few days ago would not have been on it to begin with. It’s not that I would have been averse to adding it, it just wouldn’t have occurred to me to do so.

No, it wasn’t mushing sled dogs in the Yukon. It was attending a baby shower.

As I made the journey through parenthood, I always thought of the baby shower as an exclusively female preserve. All I knew about it was that female friends and relatives got together with the new mother-to-be—or mother-in-fact—presented her with useful presents for the family addition and played what were described as “silly games.” Any inquiry into the nature of those games was stonewalled: “Oh, you know, just silly games.”

So I was intrigued to receive an invitation for my wife and I to a co-ed baby shower. Our hosts had put a lot of effort into the event, with special attention paid to make male guests feel comfortable.

Indeed, as I checked various websites on co-ed showers, this was the theme of most of the postings.

At momtastic.com, for example, I found these helpful hints:

• “To help men feel more comfortable at a traditionally ladies-only event, special games and beverages are in order.”

• “Don’t decorate like the typical women’s only shower. Since men and women will be attending, the decor should appeal to both. A modern shower set-up makes men and women feel welcome.”

• “At a females-only shower, it’s good to have a registry. At a co-ed shower, a registry is essential. Men, having been to significantly fewer baby showers on average than women, might not know what type of gift to bring to a shower, so make it easy for them!”

• “Do have a variety of good beer. If the ladies are happy sipping on champagne and mimosas, the men should have a beverage they enjoy as well. If you stay away from the Coors Light and opt for a mixture of microbrews, the shower won’t feel like a frat party. Of course, ladies may partake as well.”

And from babycenter.com, these pearls:

• “If you plan to hand out party favours, realize that most men don’t find jellybeans in a baby bottle all that adorable.”

• “We had the party at a pizza joint, and we made sure all the men knew that the football games and hockey games would be on.”

I’m still a little bit confused, however. I’m all for the concept of de-genderizing the roles of parents; or should I say more pointedly, opening up the hard work of infant-rearing to males. Therefore, the idea of a coed baby shower makes a lot of sense to me. But am I the only one who feels there is a certain amount of gender stereotyping that’s going on here in the effort to make men feel comfortable? It’s only the men who like the beer and pizza, and the women who go for the champagne and mimosas, is it? And who says that men don’t find jellybeans in a bottle adorable?

Maybe I’m approaching the problem from the middle instead of the beginning. Maybe, if men had stepped up to the co-parenting plate more resolutely over the years, there would be less awkwardness in planning baby showers that involved men as some kind of invasive species. Had I expressed more interest in participating years ago, instead of sloughing baby showers off as my partner’s domain, we’d all be comfortable with co-ed baby showers by now. Perhaps I should have put it on—and then checked it off—my bucket list years ago.

But I know what you’re wondering. You want to know what co-ed “silly games” we played. Well, my lips are sealed, unfortunately. But oh, the stories I could tell if I felt no such constraint!

And I have no idea whether the games played at a co-ed party differ in any significant way from the games played at an all-female party. That secret I’m still not privy to. Maybe I’ll add that one to my future bucket list, so I can check it off—sooner rather than later.

 dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca