Please and thank-you

The words “telephone” and “etiquette” are not frequently employed together. In fact, if you are assuming that “etiquette” is a code of behaviour employed by living persons, then we don’t often get to experience any etiquette at all. Our telephone enounters are first and foremost with automated phone menus; then with interactive but recorded voices; and only rarely with real humans. And all three can easily set the blood boiling.

Consider first the automated telephone response:

“In order to improve customer service…”

Meaning: “In order to shave our expenses, we’ve eliminated more jobs and replaced them with this stupid recording.”

“Please choose from one of the following 54 menu options…”

Meaning: “You’re probably going to get it wrong, so we want to make it as easy as possible for you to do so.”

“You have pressed an incorrect key…”

Meaning: “How do you expect us to make a profit when we have to deal with dummies like you?”

“We are experiencing a greater than usual volume of calls.”

Meaning: “How can you expect us to serve you when you’re calling at the same time as everyone else?”

“Stay on the line to preserve your calling priority.”

Meaning: “We’ve got you right where we want you.”

“For quality assurance purposes, this call may be monitored.”

Meaning: “The poor sap you’re dealing with is probably going to waste company time on pleasantries: we’ve got to put a stop to it anyway we can.”

“Listen carefully; our menu options have changed.”

Meaning: “We know you’re not usually very attentive.”

The classic, of course, is: “Your call is important to us.”

Meaning: “If your call was really important to us, we’d be answering it.”

The interactive recorded voice is hardly an improvement:

“If you need help with your phone, say ‘phone’.”

Reply: “Phone.”

“I’m having trouble hearing you. Did you say ‘limited nuclear warfare’?”

Reply: “Phone, goshdarnit.”

“Please speak clearly. Did you want to order a pizza?”

Reply: “Phone, double goshdarnit with bells on.”

“I’m sorry you’re having trouble. Please hang up and try your call again.”

Reply: “You bet your sweet dorsal fin I will hang up, triple goshdarnit; and no way am I ever phoning this number again.”

Which, of course, is exactly the result the minds behind the recorded voice are aiming to accomplish.

And then there’s actual contact with a live person. In my experience, so desperate am I for some sympathy for my problem that I quickly debase myself and have little expectation for how the operator will treat me:

“My name is Norma. How may I help you?”

Reply: “Why Norma, what a wonderful name. I’ll bet your mother loved you very much.”

“She did indeed, sir. Now if I could just have you confirm your 13-digit product registration number.”

Reply: “Of course, if I can find the darn thing, ho ho ho. Say, how’s the weather today in Costa Rica, Bangladesh or Moncton.”

“I’ll have put you on hold sir while you search for the number. If you can’t find it in your paperwork, it should be right underneath your fridge on a one-inch sticker with 10 point type.”

Reply: “Wait, Norma, please don’t leave me hanging…”

Now the fact that we allow this pathetic level of corporate telephone etiquette to exist is not a necessary function of the computer era: it’s a cultural thing. Case in point: the annual All-Japan Phone-Answering competition.

According to the New York Times, for over a century, office workers from companies across Japan have competed for the title of Japan’s best call-taker. This year, 60 finalists were selected from over 12,500 applicants. The event’s organizers attribute the growing popularity to “the enduring importance of politeness” in Japan, and a concern that younger workers are forgetting—or not learning—basic manners. And the call centre business is a $7-billion industry in Japan.

The standard that a person working in the call centre industry must meet is pretty high. “A polite office worker picks up calls during the first or second ring: if, for unavoidable reasons, the caller is left waiting for three rings or more, an apology is in order.” Yes, you read that right.

In order to find a winner, each contestant engages in a three-minute conversation. During the call, judges score contestants on etiquette, tone, volume, speed, pronunciation and vocabulary. Proper exclamations to signal attention and empathy must be used.

But hold it a second. I would bet call centre business is at least as big here in Canada as it is in Japan. What’s stopping us from setting a similar standard? Only the abysmally low expectations we set for ourselves. I say, give Japanese politeness a pat on the back, and encourage the Japanese to export it to Canada as soon as possible. Please. And thank you.

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca