Round we go

I’d like to start this with an anecdote from my father. Back when he was a teen and a keen car buff, he told me that his father needed to go up the Lake on the Mountain road in reverse. This is the old LotM road, which ran behind what is now County Brewing Co, and the old Stone Mill, now overgrown with shrubs. Reverse was the lowest gear in cars of the age, so you did what you needed to do.

My mom told me that, when she was a kid, they would toboggan down Town Hill in the winter. Not advisable now, but things change. More on this later.

When County proposed a roundabout at 1 and 33, I wrote a couple of scathing columns, and then ate crow when I realized the damn thing worked.

Remember the lineups on Scoharie Road, waiting for the traffic to cease? Now look to the left for an opening; look right to make sure it’s clear, and everyone is merrily on their way.

It does have its faults. People crossing from Sandy Hook to Scoharie tend to fire through at 80-plus clicks. Then everyone stops. This is called “Let’s just all wait until the jerk in the hot car plays through.” Then proceed as usual.

A ROUNDABOUT WILL WORK
I originally proposed a spiralling circular roadway similar to Mayan temples and Toronto parking lots at Town Hill. The downside of this is the number of bumper scrapings I see in Toronto parking lots. Plus the Mayans did not have cars.

My second idea was a car elevator. Like the Glenora Ferry, you wait in line for the next elevator to arrive and, when you hit the top of the hill, you can go either way. Surprisingly, both of these ideas were rejected. Probably due to Mayan discrimination, and Toronto drivers.

DOWN TO BUSINESS
A number of people—smart people—have stated objections to the Town Hill roundabout plan. I’d like to challenge that.

Someone mentioned, “What if a transport truck is stuck at the Town Hill?”

First, if they arrive in the summer, they’re going to be stuck there regardless, due to Main Street traffic. Also, the drivers know how to stop on a hill, and move on. I learned that in driving school. They drive way more than me.

Remember I said that things change? ‘Winter’ does not mean we can all toboggan on Town Hill. Now the County salts and sands the crap out of every possible dangerous hill or curve.

STOPLIGHTS?
We all know how well the Tim Hortons lights work. The Town Hill is even more challenging. At Tims, in the summer, lines entering Main from the west can run all the way to Stormy’s. This would also happen at the Hill, rendering Main virtually impassable in the summer. Also, Bridge Street coming up the Hill would be backed up every time the Glenora Ferry unloads.

[As an almost engineer, I’ve always believed that stopping people from doing what they want to do by designing something you want to force them to do, is a mistake. For example, witness any 401 OnRoute stop. Go here, don’t go there. You can get in the parking lot, but you can’t get out. Logic says: Go up to the 401 ramp and get on it. But no. Concrete abutments. So wander the parking lot looking for the one opening which will get you out. Courtesy of the engineers who design rat mazes for labs.]

SIMPLE SOLUTION?
Perhaps the easiest solution is a honkin’ big sign at the bottom of the Hill reading: “You have the right of way at the top of the Hill!” Don’t blame the tourists—if you’re in a strange town, coming up the hill and seeing four rows of traffic at the top, you would be tempted to stop and assess the situation.

This is easy to do. The Province has teams of semi-literate people making signs. This is why Wellington was Wellinton for a while. (My favourite was on Wooler Road, painted on the asphalt: SHCOOL AHEAD.) The bonus is: It would only need to be in English, because the Quebeckers ignore all our signs anyway.

BYPASS?
Now we’re getting there. I proposed this in a column in the 1990s, and got a huge backlash from Main Street business owners, who said it would affect their sales. My point was, “These are not shoppers. They are impatiently waiting to get to the beach, campsite, B&B, cottage. And clogging our streets.” My point was to let them get there, and come back to shop when they’re settled. My plan was to follow alongside the Millennium Trail on Hwy 49 to exit at the Canadian Tire crossing. They would need to acquire some farmland, but nobody seems to give a damn about farmland these days.

At the time, it was an expensive proposition. But now, with $20 million on the line and a full summer of construction, it seems more feasible to me. And it’s easy construction … no traffic on the road you’re building. It could easily be done in a few months, even counting coffee breaks.

ONE LAST SHOT
Thinking outside the box, what if we made the Hill level? Back to about the entrance to Picton Harbour Inn. Then we could do a traditional three-way stop at the top.

This would require a lot of fill, but maybe we could get Premier Ford to donate all the dirt he generates destroying our Greenbelt. Then, at least, something good would come out of it.