Silence of the lambs

As a youngster growing up, I didn’t know about abuse. My parents dished out a bit of voice-raising and a whisper of spanking. I can remember my Mom shouting “Just wait ’til your father gets home.” And when Dad got “home” his line was “don’t make me take my belt off.” I don’t remember the belt actually coming off — must have been an angel-child. But, most of the kids I knew “caught big heck” when the rules of their house were broken. (And, just for the record, in this day and age, I’m not an advocate of spanking or voice-raising to make a point with youngsters.) Sometimes, late at night, I heard my parents expressing themselves (as a couple, as parents and as individuals) with a heated discussion or two. But, let me be perfectly clear, I never had a reason to be afraid of my parents and I was never afraid for my parents while they had their late night discussions.

So, what’s my point? I do have one. As I got older I became aware of settings where abuse was as everyday as taking out the garbage. I remember my parents, once, forbade a sleepover at my very best friend’s home where abuse was not only physical, but emotional and verbal. Mom and Dad sat me down to explain their concerns for my safety. I was a 13-year-old kid and was horrified by what they told me. It was big for a kid to learn a man would beat his wife and his children because he could. It was way beyond anything I could fathom. The look on my parents’ faces told me it wasn’t quite the same as “catching big heck” for leaving your bed unmade or teasing my younger brother or balking at taking out the garbage.

Today, I’m still shocked to hear of domestic abuse and, being a bit of an optimist, I always figure, as a community, we can work to make it a thing of the past. Yet, only last week a friend told me of her concerns for some mutual friends. One friend who is being physically and emotionally abused, the other being the abuser. Our refrain, over too many cups of coffee, was “in this day and age” this shouldn’t be happening.We talked about how this couple doesn’t fit our “stereotype.” A well-educated, well-known and financially stable couple shouldn’t have a reason to take their frustrations out on one another. Right?

Not so, it seems. Ironically, we were concerned for both the abused and the abuser. To say we were shocked, and deeply saddened, would be an understatement. Domestic abuse between marital partners, common-law partners and sex partners should be on the decline. Shouldn’t it? Shouldn’t we all know better? Shouldn’t we have heard enough and read enough to put an end to abuse? The minute I heard the story of our friends, I knew I had a moral responsibility to know more, read more and do more. I found out there is no definitive cause, no stereotypical person who is abused or is an abuser. It isn’t about gender, age, ethnicity, education, culture, economics, religion, abilities or social status. Anyone could be abused. Anyone could be the abuser.

My thinking in terms of stereotypes is, unfortunately, a typical reaction. I guess I just wanted to put some distance between me and them. But, if domestic abuse is happening in our community (and it is), there isn’t any distance. And there isn’t any room to stereotype. There isn’t any room to pretend it isn’t happening.We all know someone who is an abuser and we all know someone who is abused. Everyone has the right to feel safe and comfortable in their own home. Domestic abuse is the great big elephant in the room.

theresa@wellingtontimes.ca