Spare the rod

“I was spanked as a child and I think I turned out alright.” Maybe you’ve seen that message posted on social media. Maybe you’ve said something similar to a friend, over coffee and a biscotti. At the very least, you may have thought as much when you see a child having a meltdown in the grocery store. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought how a well-placed smack might solve that problem. But my mind tells me that spanking is the wrong way out. By out I mean spanking is a way for an adult to— supposedly—deal with a situation they can’t handle.

Usually, thoughts of spanking arise from a situation that could have been prevented with bit of good parenting, patience, respect and knowing your kid’s limitations.

Like a lot of you who happen to be about my age, I was raised in an era when spanking a child for a misdeed or bad behaviour was acceptable. Nah, it was encouraged. We all heard, “Don’t make me take my belt off.”

However, I can count on the fingers of one hand, the number of times I remember being spanked by either of my parents. Truthfully, I vividly remember only one occasion when my dad had enough of the shenanigans and swatted my brother and me. We couldn’t have been more than seven and five years old at the time. Dad let the swats fall on the comforter we were playing under. I remember my brother saying, “that didn’t hurt,” and my father stomping out of the room in a rage, mumbling something about how saucy we were. I was—and still am—saucy, but I was out-sauced by my younger brother that day. For the most part, my parents had little desire to inflict pain. I think they’d probably had enough and seen enough as children, and were determined to raise their own kids with kindness and respect. I don’t remember seeing any child psychology books on Mom’s bookshelf, but I do remember her giving us “time to think about it” in the corner of a room and, often, the restriction of privileges if we misbehaved. Nothing like going to bed early and missing Topo Gigio on Ed Sullivan or, worse, no dessert when you’re stupid enough to write your name on the hall wall and then deny it was your doing. Talk about saucy. I was pretty cheeky, too.

“My parents spanked me as a child. As a result I now suffer from a psychological condition known as ‘respect for others.’” It’s the text on a Blunt Card currently making the rounds on soclial media.”

When our first child arrived, my mom gave me her copy of Baby and Child Care. I still have it. Over the years, I read the book many, many times. Being a big sister, who occasionally babysat my younger siblings, was one thing. Being a mother was a whole other test of my skill and patience. For one thing, being a mom wasn’t a job I could hand back to my mother when she got back from the grocery store. There was no walking away from being a parent.

LOML and I tried to raise our children with love, respect and patience. Like a lot of parents, we came “this close” to the edge with the kids. Personally, I often thought a good swat would put things right when they went wrong. And I did spank, once or twice, out of sheer frustration ,only to feel massive frustration for giving up so quickly. My point is— and I do have one—I know our kids didn’t learn anything positive from a spanking. And spanking doesn’t make a child a better person. Spanking does teach children that being a brute changes the game. To me, spanking bypasses parenting skills. When we resort to spanking as discipline, we are telling our children violence is the answer, especially when our parenting methods seem to be ineffective.

We shouldn’t be trying to teach right from wrong if we aren’t going to practice what we preach.

theresa@wellingtontimes.ca