Squaring the circle

A reader (not my mother, the other reader) recommended I read a book entitled “Clochemerle”; so I did. Written in the 1920s, it is a farcical story of how a Republican mayor in a small village deep in tier two French wine country thumbs his nose at the clergy by erecting a urinal directly in front of the church. This reignites old grudges, civic unrest and military intervention, while sparking some quite frisky behaviour.

I think I was being invited to draw a ‘life imitates art’ comparison to the newly constructed public washroom that now dominates the western aspect of the United Church parking lot. But what’s to compare? I haven’t seen any resurrected grudges, civil unrest or military intervention. And if the frisky behaviour is rampant, it must be in other people’s domains where Pierre Trudeau would never take the state. So, much I would love to draw a parallel, I can’t see any basis for the comparison.

But it got me to thinking: what projects in this burgh generate civic pride? Clearly not this one, because there has been no outcry about the rumoured $120,000 cost of the new facility, even if the solar powered faucets didn’t work on Canada Day; nor has there been an appreciable uptick in the use of the facility to suggest people are treating it as some sort of shrine.

Meanhile, our new “Wellington and District Community Centre” is officially opening November 28 (mark it down). I’ve taken the tour and the place is truly impressive. We will all take pride in it, even though it is a little difficult to imagine cheerleaders popping up and down yelling “yeah, yeah, Wellington and District Community Centre, aka the DukeDome.” (I asked those in the know whether we were now in the big leagues and had to come up with a big league nickname like “the hangar” or “the garage” (for instance, “the barn” or “the cement mixer”), but I was politely told I need not bother).

And yet—this is very subjective—I still hear rumblings that more should be done, that we need a public works project worthy of our village. To be more precise, I hear word that Wellington deserves a roundabout. After all, Picton has one.

Would a roundabout work in Wellington? Off the top, seems like a bit of a challenge. We couldn’t put it at the Belleville Road and Main intersection because, well, because the LCBO parking lot is heavily used, and you wouldn’t want to trifle with the privileges of the drinking public who pay Mr. McGuinty quite generously every time they leave one of his stores. And if it went in at the Wharf and Main intersection, you wouldn’t be able to create much of a circle unless you knocked down the Foodland and half a dozen other buildings. The best you could hope for would be a tiny island in dead centre into which you could shoehorn a statue of, say, the Duke of Wellington directing traffic, or a rotating display of prizewinning pumpkins. It would be more a traffic doe-si-doe or allemand right than a traffic circle.

I suppose you could put a traffic circle with just two spokes at each end of the village, just to say we had one that in the aggregate equalled Picton’s, and dress it up with some of those portentious signs that say “traffic calming in effect.” Not that day-to-day traffic needs much calming by the time it gets to Wellington; in fact, it gets quite exciting when a tractor rumbles through the village leaving muddy footprints. Or you could put one where our vibrant new growth will someday take place, at the intersection of Belleville Road and Gilead Road. It would probably be a more successful homebuyer lure than a golf course.

Or perhaps we should settle for some other road work. An overpass, perhaps? Collector lanes? A stretch of divided highway maybe?

But none of that seems very Wellington. We are prudent and practical—we don’t do things just for flash and show. Nor do we want something just because someone else has it: that would be beneath us. No, we want something demonstrably better, so those Picton Joneses will be left eating our dust.

So how do we square that circle: prudent and practical, but better?

I have an idea (the phrase that sends my wife running for cover). How about a suspended circle under which traffic passes? One that uses universal standards? One that is useful and would add beauty to what is patently ugly? One that would cost next to nothing? One that would involve all levels of goverment as well as the public—say a federal facility, provincial energy efficiency standards, and local design, construction and service? One that has been begging to be completed, according to the management of the property in question, for some 20 plus years? That would do Wellington proud.

In case you want to treat this as a puzzle, the answer is upside down below. Here’s a clue. If you become uncomfortable during the opening ceremonies, there’s a brand new washroom right across the street. It might not be in fully working order yet. By the way, is anyone feeling frisky?

A redesigned post office clock, with hands that work.

Read David Simmonds’ previous columns and other humour writings at www.grubstreet.ca.