Teacup, saucer and spoon

Who would have thought that the Queen could top the 2012 drop-in visit of Daniel Craig (James Bond) to Buckingham Palace as a part of the opening ceremonies for the 2012 London Olympics?

Well, top it she has done, with a platinum jubilee concert visit from Paddington Bear, during which she pulls a marmalade sandwich from her purse—one that she, like Paddington, keeps “for emergencies.” I can’t imagine how she will top that when she celebrates her 80th anniversary on the throne, but I’m sure she will. Perhaps the biggest buzz of the Paddington Bear visit came when the military drummers started to tap the beat to the opening of Queen’s We Will Rock You—and I’ll be darned if Her Majesty doesn’t start tapping “bump bump crash, bump bump crash” along with them, using a spoon against her teacup and saucer (The saucer got the “bump bumps” and the the teacup got the “crashes”).

A royal rockstar has emerged. Has she been hiding her inner Ginger Baker over all these years?

The news of her expertise has spread rapidly, Sir Mick Jagger, lead singer for the Rolling Stones, has been looking for a replacement for original band drummer Charlie Watts, who passed away last year. “She’s got the chops,” he said after watching her performance. “I’ve never heard a teacup, saucer and spoon player before, but what she did sounded pretty funky. I’d really like to see her tackle Honky- Tonk Women and Satisfaction. I’d also like to see her at a full drum set and see what she can do with it. “I guess that means we’d have to be on out best behaviour I’ll have to check with the guys on that one.”

In light of her success, Her Majesty is likely to face multiple demands for her services as a session musician. The Queen’s participation would boost sales, and there just aren’t many teacup, saucer and spoon players around.

There is also talk of the Queen recording her performance on teacup, saucer and spoon of some of the classic songs of her 70-year reign—from the likes of Petula Clark, Herman’s Hermits and the Spice Girls—with the Band of the Coldstream Guards as her backup.

One of the biggest beneficiaries of Her Majesty’s newly revealed percussive talents stands to be the British bone china industry, which has been in the doldrums for years. Nobody buys bone china any more; complete sets, once coveted wedding gifts, are routinely sold off at flea markets for a pittance.

“Everyone’s going to want to acquire bone china teacups and saucers now that the Queen has led the way to rediscovery of china as a musical instrument,” according to our source within the china industry. “And they’re going to want a good quality product, like Spode, Royal Doulton or Wedgwood—stuff that can handle getting whacked pretty hard by a spoon. It also has to have the right tone; when you strike it, you have to be confident you’re going to hit an A440 that’s in sync with the other instruments.”

That’s the other key element—the spoon. Silver, rather than stainless steel or plastic, is the recommended material, and most often, the one that works best is “the one you were born with,” according to our source.

Maybe Her Majesty is best advised not to jump at the first offer she receives, and wait for more to come in. Personally, I think she could really conjure up something special with Paddington Bear doing the vocals. They could eat their marmalade sandwiches together during breaks in the action, pretending they’ve experienced an emergency.

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca