Columnists
The art of the deal
Why doesn’t Donald Trump just quit?
The president who didn’t want the job and didn’t expect to get it is busy making a shambles of the presidency (while cementing his own reputation). Reportedly, and understandably, he isn’t a very happy camper.
Most people would settle for a wafer-thin pretext for quitting. “My wife is threatening to divorce me if I don’t quit, so I have to give up my dream job for the woman I love”; “My travel schedule is taking a horrible toll on my back. I’m quitting on my doctor’s advice, not because I want to”; “The White House has been found to contain germs. I can’t afford the risk of an adverse health event.” That sort of thing.
But that’s not Donald Trump’s style. Quitting is for losers; and he is not a loser. So other means must be found. A criminal investigation with the prospect of future impeachment was a good start How about resorting to flattery as well? Could the promise of honours to come be sufficient to induce his resignation?
For instance, perhaps our friends at the United Nations would consider appointing him “Earth Ambassador Plenipotentiary to the Universe” once he leaves office. It’s a grand sounding title, although the job description would be vague. Mr. Trump would be able to design his own stationery and coat of arms; maybe his daughter could design a uniform for him. There would be lots of time for him to catch a round of golf—even on weekdays, when rates are cheaper. In the unlikely event that we were visited by strange creatures from who knows where, Mr. Trump could put his experience directing American immigration policy to good use. And who knows, in a few years, he may be able to say “Martians. I love Martians. Met their leader. Very nice guy.” And maybe after meeting Mr. Trump they won’t be in a hurry to revisit earth.
There are loads of other possibilties. What if Congress were to pass a resolution declaring Mr. Trump “Greatest President of the Century.” I’m sure that Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama would let their pride take a back seat to the need to extract the man from the office. Alternatively, Congress could decide to issue a two-dollar bill bearing the image of Mr. Trump.
The east coast elite could arrange for him to receive an honorary doctorate in governance from Harvard University. The Hollywood set would do their bit. Steven Spielberg could promise to make a movie over which Mr. Trump has complete creative control, and title it Trump: the Greatest Story Ever Told.
Ordinary people could just start a crowdfunding campaign, the objective being to build up a severance payment too large for Mr. Trump to ignore. Mexicans, Haitians, Moslems, even Norwegians, could participate —donations from all quarters would be accepted, thereby proving once and for all that Mr. Trump is not a racist.
I grant you that some people will recoil at the prospect of paying tribute to Mr. Trump as an insincere means to an end. Sometimes you just have to hold your nose.
Vain though he may be, I doubt that that Mr. Trump will be persuaded to quit by flattery alone. He no doubt knows how desperate people are to get rid of him, and has an exit strategy. He will continue in office, pretending he is having the time of his life, not caring how much china he breaks, until the moment he perceives he has maximum leverage, at which point he will cut a deal. Whatever the payoff to Mr. Trump works out to be, it will seem miniscule when compared to the cost of rebuilding the stature of the office he has so briefly held.
What sort of deal? Pardons for the gang, a financial payoff and tributes to his greatness. And all for getting off a hotseat he never wanted to be on in the first place. If he can pull that off, history will record it as a fine example of the art of the deal.
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