Columnists
The big pot o’money
I am going to expand my view, and you know what this means. I will need to go on hiatus again, and perhaps on vacation as well. You’re tired of me banging on Council, just because they are following a dream which is not my dream for the County. My job, as a journalisttrained writer, is to know when to stop kicking at the can. I talk, I write, but it comes time when it all seems pointless to me.
So I’m going to take some shots at Big Government as if I can figure out how Baby Government works. So let’s start here:
DON’T MESS WITH THE GOVERNMENT
This has been a rule of mine since I became incorporated in 1979, just after starting County Magazine. At that point, I became two entities: Me the human, and Me the limited company. What money there was at the time bounced back and forth, because (as a company) I had to file through an accountant, and do the usual pantload of paperwork that incurrs.
In the end, I paid $1,000 to my accountant, to save me the $1,010 I would need to file to the government. I’m a damn poor bookkeeper, so I was happy to send $10 to the government.
Funny thing is: Whatever I send to gov’t, they come back with something totally weird. I got a bill for 38¢ owing. I don’t mess with the government, but I set this one aside. Then I got new notices, with the new amount owing, including interest, was 40¢.
Clearly, no human was involved in this transaction. They had already mailed me the bill, and it cost them a buck, and then another buck for the reminder notice. To me, they spent $2 to collect 40¢. OK, I’m not a great business manager, but am I better than Canada Revenue Agency?
I sent them a cheque for 40¢, because I don’t mess with the government. It cost me a buck. Seems Canada Post is the only one who made money off this.
FILLING OUT FORMS
One thing worse than dealing with the government is trying to deal with the government. By that I mean ‘trying’. I’m a No Frills kind of guy: “Here’s what you owe.” And I present cash, “Here you go.” Done and done. Great 10- minute transaction.
The Big Gov has decided nothing is simple: “Oh, my naive customer, you can’t just write us a cheque, you need to go on the website and blah, blah, blah.”
I’m not a dummy on computers, but some sociopath who designs websites for the government should be dragged out onto Laurier Blvd. and shot several times. Not that I would do that, because Ottawa is a disaster of oneway streets, so my handler would say: “Hey! You’re three hours late. He’s gone!”
TECH IS EASIER?
The point here is, when Big Gov, fed and province, decided to use their amazing tech to ‘streamline’ information, they had big smiley faces. After all, the less actual communication with ‘the people’ saved countless hours of actually talking to people, which costs them money. We love that they have replaced human communication with a voice that says: “If you would like English, press 1.” Then a variety of options, none of which are the ones we want. Call this progress? Works for them, but does not get the job done.
No wonder there is a message, “We are experiencing heavy traffic, and will get to your call in the next few hours. Please stay on the line, because your call is important to us, but not to me, because I’m only a pleasant robotic voice backed by music. I understand you would like to hear endless repeats of the Piña Colada song.”
CHANGING IT UP
I’m not a website kind of guy. I like emails, because I can repond quickly. I’m not a fan of the phone, because it interrupts my chain of thought on the project I’m working on. A client of mine texted me with important information, but I always ignore my cell phone, because it’s always a scammer or a telemarketer. I use my phone to call out. Period. It’s a phone, that’s all.
Back to the rest of the world. I have been dealing with Canada Post as a distrubutor for County Magazine. In the early days, I needed to fill out a large form, with four carbon copies. The last two were illegible, even if I pressed really hard.
I happened to mention: “Here’s your copy; here’s my copy; what are the other two for?” Answer: “We don’t know. We just throw them out.”
See what I mean? We don’t stop to see if the ‘systems’ in place have any purpose at all. And now let’s jump ahead.
Like all the government agencies, everything is now done online. Once again, simple things now require a lot of work, and a lot of head-scratching and frustration. Good job!
My personal beef is that someone at Canada Post hired someone who had an irrestible urge to change the website every few weeks. I do mailings four times a year. Every time I go in, I say, “Oh crap, where is everything now?” Used to be ‘Bing, bang, boom, done’. Now it’s 20 minutes fishing around trying to find where they put the one thing—the only thing—I need. It’s like a techno peek-a-boo: Are you here? No. Are you here? Getting warmer. Are you under Tools? Hah, not even close.
NONE OF THIS IS PROGRESS
My main point is, now that I’ve got around to it, is where our money goes. A buddy of mine used to write on the Memo section of his cheques: “I want this money to be used to fix Highway 49.” We laughed about this like crazy, because any money we give to any government goes into The Big Pot O’ Money governments use to collect money. Being our thoughtful leaders, they send it where they damn well please. Sure, I could write on my cheque, “Defund the National Ballet and do something useful, instead of catering to really rich people who don’t need your support, who can afford to go to ballets using their own damn money.” But, as we have determined, there are no humans who will ever read that note.
HERE’S WHY THIS DOES NOT WORK FOR ME
Volunteers raise money. They raise money for a purpose; for a cause. Here’s my dollar – here’s where it’s going. That feels right.
Here’s my income tax and my speeding ticket and my parking ticket? That goes into the Big Pot O’ Money. Our taxes? Ditto. It hurts me to think all the effort to build a hospital, and do other great things falls on us, while the Big Pot is spent by some other body who does not give sweet damn about us.
Governments give handouts to us, as if they are gracious, when they are only returning a little of what we give to them. Knowing how these systems work, when you split up the Big Pot, 98 per cent goes into admin (and the robots on the phone and the sociopaths who run it) and the remaining two per cent is allocated to something genuinely useful.
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