The birth of cool

It was supposed to happen two years ago. And then last year. And now – maybe – next spring. But make no mistake about it: it will happen sometime soon.

“It” will be the opening of the uber-stylish Drake Devonshire Inn, which will see the urban design trendsetter takes its first foray into a rural location. “It” will be the birth of cool in Wellington. “It” will be the arrival of hordes of eager consumers just waiting to jump on the bandwagon.

The challenge facing Wellington is to be ready when “it” happens. And Wellington is facing the challenge with all the bravado with which a Boston Red Sox designated hitter approaches the October baseball playoffs.

The rumours abound, but one persisting has Wellington running its own “indie” music festival to show the new kid on the block its stuff. “We’re going to knock their socks off,” said a source connected to both the Wellington and District Business Association and the Wellington Recreation Committee. “We want to show them that we’re cool, Daddy-O; that we’re where it’s at; that Wellington is a happening kind of place, if you get my bag.” So what kind of festival does Wellington want to do? “Well,” says our source “we looked at all kinds of hep music that would appeal to young and old alike, that was timeless— you know, the Kingston Trio, Peter Paul and Mary, that sort of thing. We were immediately struck by the fact that 2014 will the 105th anniversary of the birth of Burl Ives, yet no one else seems to have cottoned on to the potential in that date. We wanted to be the first off the mark while we had the chance.

“So it’s unofficially official. For the May 24 long weekend, the big plan is for Wellington to host the world at the first, and we hope the only, Burl Ives Days. The Drake Devonshire will no doubt be filled to overflow ing as it’s just opening up. This gives us a good shot at filling up the rest of the accommodation and the restaurants in the village. And Burl Ives is a special figure in musical history: not many people know that in 1975 he won the University of Pennsylvania Glee Club Award of Merit.”

What’s got our source particularly excited is the possibilty for tie-in events and sponsorships. “Think of the song about the old lady who swallowed the fly,” he said. “We could have a fly-eating contest open to women over 60; so that if everyone downed the fly successfully, we could move on to the spider—even if they wriggled and wiggled and tickled inside her, and then on to the bird and so forth. We wouldn’t go as far as they do in the song, though: horses are expensive. But think of the sponsorship possibilities: you’d sure want to be the vintage that they wash down those insects with.”

For the men, our source sees a “Jimmy Crack Corn” contest; and for the littler ones, a “Little White Duck” costume parade. Also in the plans is a Burl Ives impersonator contest. “We figure there’s a whole new impersonator market for big men with small guitars who don’t get a look in on the Elvis scene,” he explained. No word yet on how Have a Holly Jolly Christmas can be themed in.

“Just think of the possibllities for the festival. If we could use the old Midtown Meats parking lot, it would be like another Woodstock, without the mud and the drugs.”

Indeed, organizers might be on to something. Toronto mayor Rob Ford has just returned from Austin, Texas, all full of enthusiasm about the power of live music to serve as an economic driver. While statistics are hard to nail down, most experts agree that the ripple effect of tourist dollars through the local economy multiplies their value by a factor of at least 10. “We’ve just got to nip in the bud any idea that those Cherry Valley people might try to trump us by going for a Partridge Family reunion event on the same weekend,” cautioned our source; “and I’ve heard that Consecon is considering a musical saw-in; which is why we’re so anxious to go public so soon.”

Other suggestions to celebrate the opening that are said to have made the shortlist, but not the final cut, have included a mile-long square dance down Main Street, a special parade marshalled by The Simpson’s’ Ned Flanders, and a banjo-themed tailgate party, the aim of which would be to claim a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records for the highest number of banjos concentrated in a single area and playing Old Joe Clark.

Reached in Toronto, the person who answered our call to the Drake Hotel sounded overwhelmed by all the local enthusiasm. “It’s really not necessary that the village give us this sort of welcome,” she said; “really not necessary at all; and I mean that sincerely.”

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca