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The eight criteria
The “Just Not Ready—Nice Hair Though” panel, fresh off its success in the 2015 election campaign, has been hard at work developing the criteria for candidates who wish to run for the Conservative leadership. The Times has obtained an early draft of its report to party management and is pleased to run the following exclusive excerpts.
To run a leadership campaign is a privilege, not a right. In addition to the $100,000 deposit required of candidates, this committee has developed eight criteria for candidates to meet in order to conduct a leadership campaign.
The first is that the candidate not have a last name that begins with the letter H. While this may seem like an arbitrary rule to some, in that noone called Haynes or Harvey would be eligible to run, the committee thought it best not to venture near freshly healing wounds.
The second is that the candidate should demonstrate to the committee that he or she does not possess what the committee calls “H foibles.” This includes an aversion to public disclosure, a distaste for public debate, an unwillingness to delegate and a dose of paranoia coupled with a soupçon of vengefulness.
The third is that a candidate must not take positions inconsistent with those espoused by them as a member of a previous government. This precludes Tony Clement from claiming he now sees the wisdom in the mandatory long-form census. You see, Tony, it makes you look like an idiot and if you join the campaign, the rest of them will look like idiots, too. Yes, Tony, this means you can’t run.
The fourth criterion is that the candidate must not have exhibited any personal conduct that is less than exemplary. While this includes such fundamental issues as never having been convicted of organizing pitbull fights, it also includes never having used social media to say anything that could be subsequently construed as embarrassing. Ever. For those candidates who have asked whether the strict rule against relieving oneself into a neighbour’s coffee cup ought to be enforced less strictly than it was during the general election, the committee has considered the matter and stands by its previous decision. To do otherwise would be to expose the party to charges it operates by a double standard. For those potential candidates who have protested “but doesn’t everyone do it?,” the answer is “maybe in some other party, but not in our party!”
Fifth, the committee reconfirms the importance of hair. However, the committee recognizes that the winning prime ministerial candidate in the federal election had nice hair and it will be hard for any rival candidate to top it. Therefore, the candidate need only demonstrate that he or she has interesting hair. Gentlemen candidates are urged to consider the example of London mayor Boris Johnson; female candidates are well served by the example of our interim leader. As a compassionate matter, any candidate who can demonstrate that he or she suffers from male pattern baldness will be deemed to have interesting hair.
Sixth, he or she must have a passing familiarity with modern science. While the committee would, of course, prefer that a candidate meet this criterion head on by some signature achievement, such as winning a Nobel Prize for studying the effects of global warming on the Baffin Island walrus population, we recommend that he or she have watched at least one episode of either World’s Strangest Creatures on Animal Planet, or World’s Most Notorious Maximum Security Prisons on the National Geographic channel.
Seventh, he or she must look comfortable in regional garb. At a minimum, this will include Vancouver Folk Festival wear (sandals, tie-dyed t-shirt and jeans), Calgary Stampede garb (Stetson, oversized belt buckle, cowboy boots and jeans, prairie getup (ball cap, overalls and sunglasses), Bay Street costume (dark blue suit with arms ending just below elbows, brown shoes and smartphone), Quebecois gear (Habs jersey and Bombardier snowmobile) and Maritime/Atlantic uniform (Sou’wester and rubber boots).Applicants are encouraged to try on regional garb while holding babes in arms and munching on jerk chicken or pierogies.
The eighth and final criterion is that the candidate should have some compelling reason why they should become Prime Minister, apart from having spent his or her life priming for the chance. This means that a life story is essential. For example, to claim to have grown up on the mean streets of Mississauga while supporting one’s disabled mother selling Avon products, winning a scholarship to Yale and inventing the Internet while playing on the intercollegiate championship hockey team might work as a backstory. Those candidates who wish to develop a plausible backstory are urged to contact the committee as soon as possible.
All of which is respectfully submitted this 16th of January, 2016.
The Just Not Ready—NiceHair Though Committee
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