The Hunk Brothers

On the minus side, coming out of our endless and brutal winter, I realize I watched far too many home decorating shows for my liking. On the plus side, however, I have learned that most of these shows have a very similar theme: a commonsense and, quite coincidentally, handsome contractor saves the bacon of a hapless young urban couple.

So why don’t I kill two birds with one stone and dash off a column that can also serve as the script for one of these shows—thereby saving the marriage of some overworked scriptwriter for another week. Let’s call it the Hunk Brothers.

HB1: “Let’s meet today’s young couple, Rita and Irving, who’ve been living with Irving’s mother while they save for a house.”

HB2: “Well, Rita; why don’t you tell me what’s on the wish list. Wait a second, I think I can see it now. A house with character. Lots of space for entertainment. Lots of light. Open concept. A state of the art kitchen with sleek, modern appliances and granite countertops. A master bedroom with spa retreat.”

Rita: “How did you know”?

HB1: “Easy. It’s the same thing Bonnie and Clyde wanted last episode, and Donny and Donna wanted the week before that, and Persephone and Claude wanted the week before that. In fact, we could do this stuff in our sleep. But we enjoy showing off our hunkiness and putting you poor slobs through the stress of a renovation.”

HB2: “Hey, you guys deserve this. After all, you’re both 28, and it’s time you had everything you ever wanted, now. And we’ll do it all to match your style: contemporary, but modern; country, yet sophisticated; classic, but casual. Or something.”

HB1: “So let’s look at a house that’s got everthing on your wish list. Here’s one with servants’ quarters, a wine cellar, and a French immersion room for your unborn children.”

Rita and Irving: “It’s perfect. We’ll take it!”

HB1: “Ha ha ha, gotcha This house is selling for $32.5 million and your budget is only $450,000. Didn’t you watch the other episodes, because you should have known we do this every time?”

HB2: “The solution is to buy a cockroach-infested fixer-upper close to downtown where crack dealers roam the streets. I can give you the house of your dreams and bring it in on time and within budget. Just don’t ever walk outside and everthing will be hunky, so to speak, dory.”

Rita and Irving: “Why should we trust you”?

HB1 and HB2: “Because we’re the stars, and this is our 35th episode. So let’s go look at some houses.”

HB1: “Here’s one. Let’s call it the Downtown Ratsnest. What do you think?”

Rita: “It’s terrible.”

HB1: “Here’s another. We’ll call it the Heavenly Hellhole. What do you think?

Irving: “It’s awful.”

HB2: “Well, that means we’ve got you right where we want you. You’ve got to keep an open mind. Wait till you see the computer drawings. I’ll give you everything you want and have it ready in six weeks. Remember, the alternative is continuing to live with Irving’s mother.”

HB1: “So, which one is it to be? Take a commercial break to decide.”

Rita and Irving (jointly, fading into commercial break): “Which do you think? I don’t know. It’s a tough one. I like the garbage facilities in the Downtown Ratsnest. But the Heavenly Hellhole included the industrial shelving. It’s a tough one all right. In fact, it’s agony.”

Rita and Irving (jointly and enthusiastically, after commercial break): “We’re going with the …Heavenly Hellhole.”

HB1: “Awesome, high fives, group hugs, etcetera etcetera. I always knew you’d pick that one. I’ll get to the paperwork.”

Rita and Irving: “Aren’t we lucky to be homeowners? I sure hope nothing goes wrong, unlike in any other renovation show that’s ever been aired.”

HB1: “I have some good news. The property is in foreclosure and used to be a grow-op. But the bank has agreed you can waive the home inspection and it’s yours for the asking price.”

Several days pass:

HB2: “Okay, it’s time to swing the wrecking hammer. The only purpose is to show that both Rita and I can do it better than Irving. So go ahead.”

(Rita and Irving swing in turn. Rita dislodges a light fixture on backswing while Irving drops implement on his toes.)

HB2: “Awesome. It’s all downhill from here.”

Several more days pass:

HB2: “There’s a small issue that’s come up. It was impossible to tell beforehand, but there is moisture from the grow-op that has left mildew around the windows. It’s a $30,000 hit that we hadn’t anticipated. So say goodbye to your gas-fired wooden pizza oven with dual exhaust fans.”

Rita: “Life’s not fair. I hate renovation shows and wish I’d never signed up.”

Almost six weeks later:

HB1: “So there’s four minutes left in the show and here we are coincidentally hanging up the last piece of art while Irving and Rita pull in to the driveway.”

HB2: “And somehow, we’ve brought it in on time and under budget, if you would just stop fussing with that gosh darned picture.”

Rita and Irving enter house, Irving’s mother in tow.

Rita: “Wow. I’m speechless. It’s more than I imagined. I’m speechless. Completely speechless.”

Irving’s mother: “Where’s the in-law suite?”

Irving: “You did it, Hunk Brothers. I had my doubts, but I never doubted you.”

HB1 and HB2: “That’s because we’re hunks and this is our 35th episode. So don’t thank the contractors who did the real work and toiled in anonymity. Thank us!”

Well, that was easy. I guess I’d better go and look for my swimwear and dark glasses. Hollywood awaits. Maybe I should try my hand at a couple of soap opera scripts.

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca