Columnists
The last parade?
Could Wellington have seen its last parade?
That is the gloomy view prognosticators are taking following the County’s review of its policy on the engagement of volunteers. For example, it doesn’t want voluteers clearing trees with chainsaws they are not properly trained to operate: the limbs they sever might include their own.
But now the risk management sweep has lighted upon the recent Wellington Christmas parade. “Where shall I start?” said one County official, who declined to be identified. “You’ve got all kinds of high-risk activities taking place right on top of one another. It’s going to send our insurance premium to you know- where in a handbasket if we let things go on like this. The worst case was when we had a truckload of Wellington on the Lake residents standing up on the flatbed and tooting away on their kazoos. One sudden move and they’re spread out all over the road and I just shudder to think of the damages. You’ve got broken arms and chipped teeth, never mind the cost of replacing two dozen high-performance kazoos.
“The first thing they’re going to do is come after us for not making them sit down and strap in. We’re always the guys who are accused of raining on everyone’s parade, until something bad happens; and then when it does, the politicians blame us and say ‘why didn’t you do something to prevent this?’. Humbug!”
The official also noted he was worried about Shriners riding around back and forth on miniature motorcycles against the flow of traffic. “Some of those guys have got quite a few miles on them, so their reaction time isn’t as quick as it once might have been. And so does that stuffed camel they use on their float. What happens if it topples over and they can’t outmanoeuvre a falling dromedary? One hump or two, it doesn’t matter: they’re going to come after us.”
Our source worries about spectators as well. “What if if a young child from a Major Urban Centre is traumatized after seeing a horse answer the call of nature right in front of her. Are we going to be paying for a lifetime of therapy? And did you notice all the peppermint candy canes they handed out: some poor kid is going to get trampled to death in the rush to pick them up. And then some marcher in the parade is going to get hit in the eye when the candy canes are thrown back.”
Our frustrated friend also noted that the parade route from the Essroc arena to Consecon Street was a fair distance to march, and that perhaps participants (with the exception of veterans, whom he wouldn’t want to insult), should be required to produce a medical clearance in order to be eligible to participate. He also shrugged in despair when it was suggested that horses, antique engines, muscle cars, fire trucks, bagpipes, baton twirlers and EZ-ROK 98.8 cars were a combustible mix. “Just think what might happen with bagpipes alone. A cat in a nearby house gets spooked, knocks over a plant, which triggers an alarm, which causes an emergency call, which can’t be answered because the parade’s in the way, which causes the cat to bring down the curtains, which somehow starts a real fire, which spreads to the whole neighbourhood and then to the whole village. Hundreds are homeless—all because a parade is supposed to have bagpipes. Can anyone show me the regulation that says there have to be bagpipes?
“At a minimum, everyone—no exceptions—should be wearing a hard hat and steel-toed boots. And when I say everyone, does everyone have to participate? Why can’t they just limit the parade group to those whose presence is strictly necessary? Santa Claus, I grant you, may be important, but the rest of them? I doubt it. And speaking of Santa, I look at the way his sleigh is fastened onto the flatbed and I say to myself ‘There’s an accident waiting to happen, and that’s before he even gets near a chimney.’ You can scoff at me all you want, but put Santa on the disabled list right before Chrismas Eve and all of a sudden you’re looking at a class action suit against the County and every boy and girl in the world is up to receive compensation! Does Prince Edward County really want to be the place that admits, in court, that that there isn’t a Santa Claus, at least not this year, because we couldn’t be bothered to insist on minimal safety standards?”
Yes, the future of parades in Wellington is looking pretty bleak. But look on the bright side. What with public servants as imaginative and as vigilant as our anonymous source, at least we’re keeping insurance costs down. And those who were cheering for a tax increase will still have water rates to count on. Humbug indeed.
Comments (0)