The next cup winner

You’ve got to hand it to those elite soccer players showing off their talents during the FIFA World Cup. They take home salaries in excess of half a million dollars a week; and their transfer value—the cost to a team to buy the player’s contract from his current team—is usually in the tens of millions.

These guys make so much money they can’t be looking for extra income to put their mothers-in-law through secretarial college. The sums are so staggering it almost makes the stakes they are playing for in the World Cup—a $35 million grand prize for the winning team— seem like chump change.

So why is there so much excitement around another cup event, namely—dramatic pause—the selection of the new post- David-Beckham era icon in the field of men’s underwear modelling? The giant fashion houses admitted recently that they are all scouting the World Cup for the ‘next big thing’ who can model in his skivvies. The player chosen will have to be good, all right; but he’ll have to have the look so coveted by the fashion industry.

Soccer players, as a group, have it. According to the global creative director at Calvin Klein, “When you think of designing underwear, it just lends itself to footballers.” Says another fashion expert, “[soccer players] are the perfect sample size. They are not huge like an American football or basketball player.” And another: “It’s not only for people who can show up for a shoot and get groomed and styled, but people who can dress themselves in a compelling manner. But it has to be a reciprocal relationship.” Hold on though: I thought we were talking about underwear, in which case it would be people who could undress themselves in a compelling manner.

So the answer to my question is that it’s not all about the money. It’s about status and flair; about being the go-to guy for style. Soccer skill is essential, of course. (And, according to some detractors of the game, skill also includes acting ability, such as being able to writhe in agony after a clean-looking tackle, until a referee shows a red card to your opponent, after which you jump up and smirk and offer to shake his hand in a show of good sportsmanship, which he spitefully refuses to accept).

Naive as I am, I guess I had never really stopped to think about men’s underwear as anything other than— well, just underwear, meaning that you wore it under something else, meaning, further, that it didn’t particularly matter what it looked like except on a day when you had a full physical at at your doctor’s, in which case you made sure it was clean. You had your boxers and your briefs, and maybe if you were lucky you could choose grey or white from your colour palette. And for especially cold winter days, you had your Stanfield thermals, in which case you didn’t really care about anything other than warmth.

But an explanatory men’s underwear website (why are there always handy explanatory websites: Why can’t the research be difficult?) also classifies men’s underpants into five categories (boxers, briefs, jockstraps, thongs and the hybrid boxer brief, which has earned its own category because it offers “the best of both worlds: the longer leg of the boxer, perhaps liked because it keeps a bit of modesty, and the supportive, tight-fitting nature of the brief, probably because of [its] usefulness when doing physical activity.” The site adds that “designer men’s underwear is here to stay: who would have thought that 100 years ago.” Or, in my case, two days ago.

And so, the design world descends on the World Cup. Will it be a Brazilian, such as Hulk or Fred? Er, I think not. How about Neymar, the superstar-to-be, who has already appeared on fashion magazine covers, and on YouTube in his Lupo brand underpants. “He’s kind of got it all,” says the style editor at GQ magazine. But another designer begs to differ. “I just don’t think that the way he dresses is very sophisticated. He’s got a lot of money, but it just seems a little nouveau riche, a little cheesy.” All right, how about Oscar, who himself already appears in Calvin Klein undergarment ads shown in Brazil. The Calvin Klein man we quoted above—who of course had his own axe to grind—assures us “he looks really hot and sexy in it. It’s quintessential Calvin.” Still not transfixed? How about Keisuke Honda from Japan, who dyes his hair blond and plays in the fashion capital of Milan. Or Cristiano Ronaldo, a Portugese star who plays for Real Madrid, and who has modelled Armani underwear for several years? Or perhaps this year’s underwear star will be a dark horse from Croatia or Costa Rica, yet to reveal himself, so to speak.

Let the best man hoist the underwear cup.

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca