The not so scientific method

PURPOSE/QUESTION: Our isolated, pandemic life is about to become an experiment. Well, let me clarify. A small part of my isolated pandemic life, not LOML’s life, is going to be looked at more closely. I’ll begin by identifying the purpose of this experiment. Recently, I had this bright idea to see if there really is a problem which I have entitled “Pandemic Pudge”. This issue arose when someone suggested a true test of our pudge would be to see if our jeans fit they as they should. Therein lies my semi-scientific question. “Is there really a condition which could be described as Pandemic Pudge?”

RESEARCH:
LOML and I don’t own a bathroom scale. LOML doesn’t really care about weighty matters. He, unwittingly, gave me the idea for my research. No scale? No problem. Oh, we had one and my sister-in-law loved our bathroom scale (we had one, once). Whenever she visited, she’d pour herself a glass of Chardonnay and immediately head to the “big bathroom” to weigh herself. Without exception, she’d return to the gathering and tell me our bathroom scale was the best one, ever. I had no idea what she meant until, at a medical appointment, I was weighed. Imagine that! I was ten pounds heavier in the doctor’s office than I was at home. Hmmm. With gentle urging, on the part of the doctor and of LOML, the scale was tossed. It seems the only place I can weigh myself, and expect an accurate accounting, is at the gym, which is currently COVID-19’d. I do have a record of my last weigh-in at The Club, but without a scale here to assist in a weight comparison, I’ll have to conduct my research based on “which outfits were comfy pre-pandemic and how do they feel now.” I will begin my research with the fit test.

HYPOTHESIS
Since we don’t own a bathroom scale, I’m going to suggest I may have gained a bit of pudge in this time of isolation and physical distancing. I base this on the fact I don’t exactly eat a plant-strong diet anymore. Although, I have not documented my eating habits since February of 2020, I think by the amount of home cooking and baking going on in my kitchen, I might be in a bit of a lifestyle twirl which could cause Pandemic Pudge. Oh, and not only am I baking and cooking more, I think I might be eating more. I certainly don’t work out the way I did before “lockdown”. Has the pandemic caused the pudge?

EXPERIMENT
I won’t need test tubes, nor will I draw a graph or plot a flowchart. I will, however, free those pretty, flowered skinny jeans from their winter hiding place in the vacuum sealed bag underneath my side of the bed. (When my granddaughter picked them out for me, they actually fit the way they were designed to fit. Skinny.) Once in hand, I will, without sucking my gut in or oiling my poochy pandemic thighs, attempt to put this body into those jeans. And, if I am able to get those flowery testaments to working-out every day on my body, I will further attempt to sit on a chair whilst wearing those jeans.

ANALYZE DATA:
Flowery, skinny jeans were freed from their winter hidey-hole. Comfy pants were replaced by flowery, skinny jeans. Zipper on said ugly, flowery, over-priced skinny jeans failed after three attempts. There is, most obviously, a flaw in the workmanship of the nasty-ugly, pathetically-flowered, skinny jeans which aren’t really jeans. They are hideous excuses for clothing and an email should be sent to the manufacturer in this regard. I am appalled a designer would use unforgiving fabric which, obviously, shrinks while not in use. What kind of clothing manufacturer would do such a thing. I ask you?

ACCEPT RESULTS :
I will not accept the results of this experiment. Home cooking and fresh baked goods are not to blame. Faulty, easily contracting fabric and shoddy zippers are the cause of this shameful outcome.

REJECT RESULTS :
Put disgusting, flowered jeans back into its vacuumed isolation chamber and free the Oatmeal Raisin Cookies from their zip-locked bondage.

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