The page three opportunity

The Times is always looking to spice things up—in a tasteful way, mind you. It was therefore with some interest that we learned Britain’s Sun tabloid was rumoured to be adopting a more restrained approach to its page three presentations.

That would open up an opportunity for a paper, such as this to go downmarket in a big way. While our management will doubtless give the matter serious consideration, I am sure common sense will eventually prevail, and we will decide, firmly: ‘Thank you, but no thank you.’

However, passing up the opportunity to publish a more revealing page three does not mean all lower-brow content should be rejected out of hand. For example, maybe the paper could move a little more into the celebrity gossip field.

Of course, we don’t have the budget to hire a tinseltown correspondent, so it would have to be done with existing resources. I see three ways that can happen. The first is to use gossip that is unerringly true. A headline stating “Hollywood celeb caught in love nest” is bound to be accurate, every week—whomever it may have happened to put in the spotlight. Similarly, we would be reasonably safe running a “Meryl Streep Oscar nod favourite” headline on a nearly continuous basis.

The second is to suggest—without a solid factual foundation, but without actually telling a fib—celebrity involvement in County life. For example, a teaser headline could proclaim “Brad and Angelina spotted having tiff at dairy bar?”. The full text of the story would then, in smaller print and buried on inside pages, explain that the observer, on closer inspection, realized the couple were not Brad and Angelina. Similarly, a headlline stating “Leonardo diCaprio visit to County not ruled out” would not be an inaccurate attentiongrabber.

The third option is to give local personalities the celebrity treatment. You know, something like “yes, I only tip 10 per cent, admits Quaiff,” or “Dewing, Dunlop caught in tête-à-tête at budget meeting.”

There are problems with all three, of course. Readers might feel they were being manipulated. And, with all due respect, elevating local personalities to celebrity status is pretty thin gruel. Besides, I’d say our publisher would be in trouble with those who weren’t elevated to celebrity status and wished they were.

If celebrity gossip won’t cut it, what about its first cousin, the investigative exposé? The kind that lumps facts together in a breathelss way that makes no sense, even if you reread the article eight times. Consider the following:

“Times columnist David Simmonds was seen yesterday exiting the Foodland carrying a bagful of what he claimed were groceries. Yet only three days before that, he had been spotted at the Wellington Pharmacy picking up a prescription. There are also reports of him being sighted in Picton buying gasoline for his automobile.”

“This behaviour has continued for years,” claimed a source, who for obvious reasons, requested anonymity. “How he supports his habit is anyone’s guess.”

When confronted about this behaviour, Simmonds refused comment, other than to deny any wrongdoing. However, when pressed, he volunteered that he obtained the funds to make his purchases from a local Wellington bank. Times investigative staff have been able to identify the particular bank branch in question, but are refraining from naming it.

Reading from a prepared statement, Times publisher Rick Conroy stated ‘We are of course shocked by this allegation. While we stand behind David until a court of law rules otherwise, we think it best that his column be suspended until such time as his name is cleared, if that in fact proves to be the outcome.’

Simmonds has not been yet been charged with any crime in relation to the incidents, nor does he have a lengthy criminal record.”

It sounds attractive at first, but the problem is simple. You can only manufacture investigative news to take one or two people down before you run out of potential victims. So what are the other options? A horoscope column is one. Just keep your eyes on the classfieds section in the coming weeks for “Creative fiction writer wanted to bring inspiration to everyday lives: the heavens are the limit. For more information….”.

Or how about a gossip column. “Who was that handsome brown-eyed man tackling the egg salad sandwiches with such gusto at the annual meeting of the Federated Women’s Insitutes last Tuesday? And why did he leave in such a hurry that he forgot the silk scarf that he wore on the way in?”

I’m afraid neither of those options inspires me—although I would be curious to know a little more about that handsome brown-eyed man. So, absent any better ideas, it looks like the Times will have to decline the option of going further downmarket. Which means, I am pleased to predict, still more in-depth coverage of County sewage budgets. On page three, no doubt.

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca