The silent woodwhistle

“Chuck Tangello here for the new Silent Woodwhistle. Ever tried blowing a dog whistle and having every dog in the neighbourhood start yapping?”

Cue scene with completely hapless couple blowing whistles, turning red in the face and being set upon by mob of angry dogs.)

Chuck Tangello, Chuck Tangello; where have I heard that name before? Maybe it’s me: he seems to assume I must know him.

“Well, then you need the Silent Woodwhistle. You just blow it. Like any dog whistle, humans can’t hear it. But with the Silent Woodwhistle, dogs and other animals can’t hear it either.”

(Cue scene with peaceful dogs chewing cud and smiling whistlers at peace.)

Chuck Tangello, Chuck Tangello? Was he the assistant bugler on FTroop? I can’t place him even as a D-list celebrity. Now it’s bothering me.

“And to prove how well it works, we’ve blown this whistle through an industrial strength foghorn. And look: these dogs don’t even move. I know what you’re thinking: he’s not a real celebrity. But I’m doing this commercial, so I must be a celebrity of some sort.”

(Cue scene with experimenters in lab with woodwhistle, foghorn and silent pooches.)

Time to get a snack. There sure must be a lot of suckers out there.

“How does the Silent Woodwhistle work? Unlike regular dog whistles, this baby has no holes through which sound of any kind can pass. And unlike those metal or plastic whistles, you know its a quality product because its made from solid wood harvested directly from the Northern Boreal Forest.”

(Cue scene of majestic pines, birches etc.)

Well, hold on a sec; maybe I should hear this guy out.

“The Silent Woodwhistle makes an attractive addition to any bookshelf. But it also makes an ideal bacon crisper or nasal hair remover. Take it from the old Chuckster himself: the uses of the Silent Woodwhistle are virtually limitless.”

(Cue scene of knickknack shelf with Silent Woodwhistle in prime spot.)

I’ve never heard of one of these gadgets before but I’m beginning to wonder how I got on so long without one. But surely there’s more?

“But there’s more. Every home will want the Silent Woodwhistle. Order now and we’ll include this deluxe limited-edition plastic display box, a whistle cleaner PLUS a complimentary alto pitch Silent Woodwhistle – designed to be especially effective in not disturbing highly-strung dogs like Pekinese and Poodles.”

(Cue closeup of deluxe limited edition plastic display box, whistle cleaner and alto pitch whistle.)

Wow. I’m beginning to think I wouldn’t mind having one of those. But they’re probably way too much.

“You’re probably thinking to yourself that this product sells for at least $89.99. Have I got news for you! Order now and you’ll receive your deluxe whistle set for—not $69.99 or $39.99—but the incredible low price of $19.99. And that’s not all. Tell the operator at the number on your screen that you saw me, Chuck Tangello, on TV and we’ll add a deluxe stick-on monogram with your initials on it. Now isn’t that something.”

(Cue scene showing slashed down prices and phone numbers superimposed on cornucopia of Silent Woodwhistle paraphenalia.)

Holy mackerel! This is too good to be true. But the commercial isn’t finished yet.

“But wait. There’s more! Phone in the next 15 minutes and we’ll double your order. That’s right: you’ll receive two of everything.

Just pay separate shipping and handling.”(Cue scene cluttered with debris from two orders; with number on the screen in big yellow print.)

Just a second. Why should I pay separate shipping and handling? Both packages are going to the same address. Why don’t they just put everything in one box? And what if I only want one deluxe woodwhistle package? Come to think of it, what happens if I call in 17 minutes? Are they going to tell me I can’t double my order because I left it too late? Still, I guess if these guys are on TV they must have figured things out properly.

(Eight weeks later: cue scene of gently used Silent Woodwhistle, complete with deluxe limited edition plastic display box, whistle cleaner plus complimentary alto pitch Silent Woodwhistle, being hauled out and offered for sale for two dollars at customer’s garage sale.)

David Simmonds’s writing is also available at www.grubstreet.ca.