The view from here

Well, wasn’t that a party! No one could ever accuse the County of not knowing how to celebrate the summer and, especially, a long weekend in the summer.We know how it’s done and should probably make a few notes to pass along to our visitor friends. I am speaking of visitors who, no doubt, will have had such a great time during their vacations here, they’ve spent at least a few minutes dreaming about moving here fulltime. And, if they got their hands on a real estate listing, they’ll have “picked out” their dream home. So, I’ve started my 2011 notes and observations on visitors.

Observation number one: what’s with the “I’m on vacation and so are my driving skills” mindset? Yup, as bad as some of us (you and me) are when we’re behind the wheel, during the summer months we don’t have to be so harsh. It seems, many summer visitors leave their vehicular smarts at home. There could be some blurry logic to what we witness on our roads, especially during the summer months. I especially love “dog-on-the-driver’s-lap. ” I imagine what 30 pounds of pooch would feel like if a sudden stop were just around the corner, as can be the case when a tractor with a trailer full of tomatoes pops into sight. Once in a while I’ve been treated to a rare sighting of “kid-on-the-driver’s-lap.” This particular behaviour has been classified as a rite of passage and lauded in emails, by many friends, as an event which doesn’t really cause any harm. The good old days and all. Indeed, if you don’t feel safe with a pooch or a kid on your lap—who often offer a wee bit of steering assistance—on the back roads of the County, where the heck would you feel comfy doing that, right? Surely not the DVP or the 401. Besides, no one ever died on the driver’s lap while on vacation in the County, right?

Observation number two I call “dressing for grocery/shopping success.” From what I’ve seen it may be important to be clothed for the type of meal for which you are shopping, especially if you happen to be on vacation. That is to say, if your entree is charred wieners with a volcanic marshmallow mountain cooked over a raging, lighter fluid-encouraged fire in a sandy campground, by all means, don’t overdress. Everyone in the County knows clothing and cooking fires don’t mix. So, bare feet, sunglasses and swim trunks are seriously acceptable in a grocery store where the chances of being recognized by someone from your own “hood” are slim (women might add a coaster or two to cover the upper, naughty bits). County folks understand how vacation wiener and bun selection can be seriously compromised if the energy of those “vital parts” is smothered in at-home-in-the-city wear.

Observation number three is “your pet will never be a human being—even on vacation— so don’t ask.” Sorry. This could be a shock to County visitors but, even on vacation, your pet will always be an animal.You can dress it up and bring it to town (on your lap, of course) but, County folks know what animals look like. Yes, we do. If it needs a leash or eats out of a bowl on the floor or rolls around in its own poop or spends more than half the day grooming itself with its tongue, then it’s a pet and it’s an animal. As far as I’m concerned, your pet isn’t really and truly welcome in a café or a restaurant or the grocery store or the art gallery or a retail shop unless the proprietor tells you it’s okay. And yes, I know pets need vacations, too. But the last thing I want to hear and see is your pet slurping something off your fork or lapping at a bowl of water or stuffing its nose in my private parts while I try to enjoy a meal out, pick out a magazine or squeeze the local melons.

Observation number four: “locals can hear you talking about their apparent lack of breeding and education.”We’ve got ears and some of us are hearing-assisted. Many of us, like some of you, are functionally literate and appreciate the primary function of a newspaper as a publication of noteworthy events. Indeed, many of us have learned to chew gum while walking. Your snide comments as regards our comprehension of life (life as you know it) doesn’t wash over us like the waves at our local beaches. Indeed, many of us choose to sleep in roofed accommodations, leaving primitive canvas shelters and musty cottages to you, the self-professed high functioning visitor. Indeed, while we don’t pasture “soy cows” around these parts, we have read of the apparent advantages of drinking soy milk. Think about it; if not in a rural setting, where else would gluten free, free range, alternative protein sources, whole grains and organics grow?

Observation number five: visitors aren’t all bad. No they aren’t. Mostly they’re just here for a good time because we’ve got the corner on that market. Our invitation to spend some quality time here is one of our greatest exports.

Discuss.

theresa@wellingtontimes.ca