The world’s greatest humourists

I have to hand it to them. Without a doubt, the world’s greatest humourists are teenaged children. Under the pressure of an exam, they sometimes manage to answer adroitly the very question they are asked, but—courtesy of the nuances of the English language — not the question the examiner had in mind. And sometimes, they veer slightly off the right answer but approximate the concept in a woollyheaded way.

I was persuaded of this truth after buying a book entitled F in Exams: a compendium of real-life examination answers given by students. The slim book seemed a little pricey at $9.95, but based on the tears and sore stomach I got from laughing at the answers, it was a bargain. Now a sequel—F for Effort— has come out, and the price is up to $11.95. But even at that increased price for a relatively slim volume, the effect has been exactly the same. In fact, my wife and I were going to give the book to a friend who is recovering from surgery, but decide to refrain for a while because we were afraid laughing too hard might hurt too much. The books are available at or through Books & Company in Picton.

Of course, now that I have built the new book up, I have to deliver some examples. Let’s take the first group: way off target, but technically correct.

Question: Name four methods of locomotion in animals.
Answer: Forwards. Backwards. Sideways. Up and down.

Question: What is the chief cause of divorce?
Answer: Marriage.

Question: What direction does the Amazon flow?
Answer: Downhill. Rivers never flow uphill.

Question: What is meant by the legal term “double jeopardy?”
Answer: All the questions are worth twice as much.

And then the second group: close in concept, but well wide of the target.

Question: What are fossils?
Answer: Fossils are extinct animals. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Question: Define monsoon.
Answer: A French gentleman.

Question: In what regions is Buddhism primarily practised?
Answer: Budapest.

Question: Name two types of ants.
Answer: Insects and lady uncles.

I also wonder whatever became of the earnest teacher who got the following answer when soliciting feedback from students. Did he or she quit teaching and become a car salesperson?

Question: In the space below, please write any overall comments about this course or instructor not covered above.
Answer: If I had one hour to live, I’d spend it in this class, because it feels like an eternity. Whether you like your humour pie in the face, off the wall, out of left field, or in the nuance, you have to hand it to these schoolkids. You couldn’t make up the answers yourself if you tried, and that’s exactly what makes them funny. I sure hope the teachers who marked these exams gave the students the marks they deserved for ingenuity, rather than the “Fs” that the titles of the books indicate.

I might observe here that as a reader of the Times, you are of course especially spoiled. I hope you can pick up some humour here, but you can also look to Theresa Durning, Steve Campbell, and the bawdy exchanges between Jake Hooker and Elsie Pivot.

I would add the editorial page to this list, except for the wisdom of the late Charlie Chaplin, who observed that “life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.” Unfortunately, things are a little too close to being a tragedy now. But think of the comedic potential as the camera recedes and time passes. Marvel at the antics of Dalton McGuinty and his energy policy gang! Watch as they announce a policy from the Premier’s office that will secure Ontario’s future with jobs created by an exclusive contract with a Korean company! Applaud at the way property values and tax revenues decline! Gaze in awe as local cheap and plentiful existing renewable sources are ignored! See important bird areas disappear before your eyes! Observe as subsidies drive energy costs through the roof! Picture the Premier smiling as he is proved right when energy use declines as employers flee the province in search of cheaper sources! See the Premier ignore the physics of intermittency! Watch in amazement as he cancels two gas plants during an election, and then relocates them after the election to rural ridings at a cost of only $250 million or so! See him do all this with a straight face as the provincial deficit grows and he implements a public sector wage freeze!

I guess it’s those high school students whose answers I’m making sport of now who will be getting the laughs from those pratfalls. They will, won’t they?

David Simmonds’s writing is also available at www.grubstreet.ca