To name an heir

At the time of writing this article, the royal baby had yet to be born, and everyone was getting a bit antsy. Prince William had gone away to play polo, and the Queen was openly musing about getting away for her holiday.

There’s not much advice I can offer the Royal Windsors on the timing of the royal birth—which may well have happened by today. I just note that if the baby had come along before yesterday the 23rd, he or she will be a Cancer. Anytime after that and you’ve got a Leo on your hands.

According to psychicguild.com, Cancers are “a bundle of contradictions. Compassionate and caring with
friends, family and lovers, yet they can cut to the bone with their jealous remarks and ever-changing moods.” Leos, on the other hand, are “born fortunate. charismatic and positive-thinking, they attract not only an abundance of friends and opportunities, but manage to survive life’s stormy times with style and good humour.” So on the surface of the matter, you kind of hope for a Leo—except that the baby’s paternal grandmother, the late Princess Diana, was a Cancer and the disappointing Barack Obama was a Leo, so maybe the typecasting isn’t as ironclad as astrologers would have us believe.

I don’t really care when the royal baby is born, nor do I care what gender it is. England— and Canada, arguably unconstitutionally— have abolished the rule of primogeniture; so that regardless of whether it is a boy or girl, the baby, as the eldest child of the eldest child of the eldest child of Queen Elizabeth, will stand third in line to succeed to the throne after grandfather Charles and father William. It will be an equal opportunity birth.

However, royal babies aren’t usually named immediately, so that there is a small chance that this column may have some impact on the selection of a name. And if it already has a name, well, I get to look stupid but probably not prescient. So here goes with my thoughts on the name.

While, as third in line to the throne, the young heir will not suffer the fate of some of the more distant prospects condemned to a life of inspecting regiments, cutting ribbons and sitting in royal boxes at croquet tournaments; their only consolation being that they get to bear more or less recreational names like Amber, Bethany, Britney or Crystle; or Bob, Sid or Pete. This baby, however, must receive a name that is redolent with tradition, yet that still sends a statement about the monarchy and its role in contemporary society.

So what sort of statement does the House of Windsor want to make? Obviously, they want to move a lot of biscuit tins and other royally endorsed merchandise, but if that were all, they would name the male baby Paul, Mick, Elton, Bono or Tom. Somehow, “King Mick” doesn’t do the position justice. Maybe they would want to send a signal of solidarity out to (what remains of the) Commonwealth. They could choose a Canadian sounding name, like Darryl or Brad, or Emma or Olivia. Or, for that matter, Justin, Pierre or Celine. Or an Australian sounding name, like Bruce, or Barry, or Sheila.

While you may be tempted to scoff at such unroyal sounding names, I must point out that these might be a heck of a lot more apropos than your traditional ‘must be an upperclass British twit’ names like Nigel, Clive, Monty or Peregrine. Or Priscilla or Rosamund. I also think that it would be copping out to go for a trendy name like “J.K.”, which could refer to either the male or female, and which lets you supply the names from your own imagination.

No, I think the search is on for a high-sounding name that nonetheless makes a statement about the future of the monarchy while still respecting tradition. So here are my suggestions. For a boy, I would go with the famous name that saved the British navy, who put the telescope to his blind eye. Not Horatio, but Nelson; which just so happens to be the name of a certain 95-year-old from a former colony whose legend will be held up as an inspiration for decades to come. For a girl, I would call her Malala, as a tribute to the incredibly brave girl from Pakistan, also a former colony, who was shot by the Taliban for pursuing her education and who recovered to speak so movingly at the United Nations a few days ago. Who can dispute what her name stands for?

One thing the royals have got going for them is the family tradition of loading up on first names: Charles is Charles Philip Arthur George, and William is William Arthur Philip Louis. So the way is clear to name the baby “Nelson Charles Darryl Bruce Nigel Mick” or “Malala Amber Sheila JK Rosamund” just to hedge your bets and keep those sales of biscuit tins up. At least for a while.

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca