Tour de la County?

It’s been a banner couple of months for the sports fan. The Bruins beat the Canucks for the Stanley Cup. The Mavericks beat the Heat for the NBA championship. Federer beat Djokovic, and Nadal beat Federer, for the French Open Tennis title; and then Djokovic beat Nadal to win Wimbledon. Oh yes, and the Canadian women appeared in the FIFA World Cup of soccer….

But the most exciting event of all is still underway—and will be for another 10 days or so. Yes, I’m shilling for the Tour de France.

The Tour de France is a three-week event that began in 1903 as a shot in a newspaper circulation war. This year, it features 16 teams of nine riders covering close to 3,500 kilometres of far-from-level terrain. Broken down into 21 daily stages, that’s about 160 kilometres a day. That alone makes me gasp: grown men, who could be sitting in some Parisian bistro munching on baguettes and quaffing Dubonnet, instead choose to put themselves through this agony.

And agony is the right word for it. Height and distance are formidable adversaries to begin with. But height means brutal mountain roads that are hard enough on the way up; while on the way down, a combination of hairpin turns and steep descent can send the incautious cyclist tumbling over a near precipice. On top of that, the roads to the summit are lined wth over-enthusiastic spectators, some dressed in ridiculous costumes, who think it great sport to run alongside the riders for a few metres and give them a hearty slap on the back, sufficient in many cases to knock them right off bikestride.

Then there is the agony of being stuck in the dreaded “peloton”—the pack. If some numbskull six places ahead of you makes a slipup, your goose is cooked as well. If that isn’t bad enough, how about staying clear of the pursuit cars full of cameramen, equipment people, doctors and psychotherapists trained to coax terrified riders back onto their bikes. In fact, just this weekend, a passing car gave a cyclist a gentle nudge sufficient to send him and another rider rear end over teakettle into a barbed wire fence. Who needs to watch NASCAR races? Cycling has better crashes.

There’s also something very cruel about the structure of a race. Inevitably, a few riders will break away from the peloton and set a cracking pace, taking it in turns with one another to share the windbreaking lead.Almost inevitably, the pack will catch the leaders about a kilometre from the finish line and the leaders will wilt and fade. But that’s what racing in a team is about: some riders are nothing more than worker bees, tasked with tiring or blocking out the opposition, or breaking wind for the team allstar who gets to wear a coloured jersey and stand on the winner’s podium and receive flowers from beautiful French women. It has always surprised me that there are individual winners in what is patently a team sport, although I am told the prize money is shared.

But at least it’s a colourful event. In addition to the famous “maillot jaune,” there are green, white and even polka dot jerseys to vie for.And each team wears a distinctive colour. For example, the Esukaltel-Euskadi team, composed of riders from the Basque region, proudly wears an orange jersey, while the HTC Highroad team promises “a more retro look for 2011” to its yellow and white jersey.

And, of course, the protagonists are colourful too. Seven-time winner Lance Armstrong has retired, still subject to doping rumours. But there is Armstrong’s longtime batman George Hincapie riding alongside world champion Cadel Evans from Australia; Canada’s Ryder Hesjedal, who finished seventh last year, riding on the same team as Norwegian superstar Thor Hushovd; ace sprinter Mark Cavendish from Great Britain, who has battled “dental problems”; and reigning three-time champ Alberto Contador from Spain. And who could not but love the “Schleck Brothers”—Andy and Frank—from Luxembourg, who stand 5th and 4th respectively at the time of writing, without any apparent assistance from polka music. Contador was vilified for taking an ungentlemanly advantage over then-leader Andy Schleck in 2010 when Schleck had mechanical problems. So the Schlecks have revenge on their minds.

I could go on (“so it seems,” I hear you groan). But I thought: if I can get so hooked-in via television, think what a ‘Tour de la County’ could do to my nervous system.We could easily create a circle route that encompassed the treacherous hills of Waupoos, the rugged intersections of downtown Picton, and the more placid landscapes of Hillier. We could recreate the feeling of riding into Paris down the Champs Élysées by having the last stage wind through Wellington on the Lake. Better yet, we could put a distinct County flavour on the race by requiring racers to stop at every one of the County’s 30-plus wineries for a sample before staggering across the finish line.We already run a successful marathon here, so why not a bicycle race? All that’s stopping us is the choice of some colourful jerseys.

David Simmonds’s writing is also available at www.grubstreet.ca.