Trained to the hilt

You just never know where the times will take you.

Take the British nanny. Amid rampant unemployment in other sectors, “Saudi princes, Russian oligarchs, busy executives and celebrities demanding a Mary Poppins-like figure to look after their children” are creating a boom in the market for the classic British nanny, according to a recent news report. British nannies have the training, the language skills and the “prestige factor” that the super rich are looking for.

But there is a twist. Not only does a nanny have to be skilled at changing diapers, meting out discipline, keeping a household tidy and understanding foreign accents (because you never know when a Dick Van Dyke cockney chimney sweep will drop in), she now has to master more modern skills: self defence and stunt driving.

To those promoting the graduates of the famous Norland School for Nannies in Bath, Somerset, the added skills are a logical extension of a basic premise of nannyhood. If you hire a nanny, you’re giving off a signal that you’re wealthy, so that your children become natural targets for kidnappers and blackmailers. And nannies also become targets because their distinctive Mary Poppins-style brown uniforms, felt hats and white gloves instantly mark them as the employees of wealthy patrons.

Oh the troubles of the rich and famous! They are set upon by crooks—maybe because so many of them now hail from countries where, ahem, in order to get rich and famous quickly you have had to cut a few moral corners and what goes around may come around when you least expect it. And the fact that they enjoy ten thousand times our own annual income makes them and their families and household staff targets whether or not they operate on the shady side.

But training a nanny in jujitsu and evasive driving seems like a rather pathetic little ges ture compared with the resources that could be applied against her by a determined person of ill will. And when you look at the training some of their confreres receive, you have to wonder whether British nannies are being sent out into the world with one hand behind their backs. James Bond, for example, has a licence to kill, and his career batting average is pretty impressive. One source estimates that Bond has been shot at—non-fatally—at least 4,662 times during his 23-movie career, all the while effectively dispatching some 198 bad guys (or everyday guys who happened to make a bad choice of employer). Why can’t the British nanny be trained by “Q” or the SAS in the same way Bond was? Don’t the British care about their nannies as much as they do their secret agents? And if a nanny, à la Mary Poppins, always carries an umbrella, why can’t she at least be equipped with a poison-tipped brolly? After all, if it was good enough for the Bulgarian Secret Service, it ought to be good enough for a 21st century British nanny.

If today’s nanny is going to take self-defence seriously she’d better learn the full arsenal of skills: bomb disposal techniques, motorcycle riding across steps and rooftops, and bowler hat frisbee-tossing—or whatever daredevilling skills the latest Daniel Craig or Tom Cruise movie might suggest. And she might as well take semi-automatic weapons training from an NRA-licensed facility while she is at it.

Moreover, if the brown uniform with hat and gloves is a giveaway, then it should be dealt with as the nanny herself would deal with it: with a compassionate but firm hand. There are two alternatives. One is properly to equip the nanny for the struggle from the get-go and equip her with combat fatigues and battle boots. The second and more subtle approach is to have her go undercover and dress as a regular mom pushing a tenton stroller, wearing yoga gear and sporting a Starbucks takeout cup.

There’s a concept for a reality show: Undercover Nannies. In fact, since we’re going to all trouble to train and equip nannies, maybe nannies should be recruited for counterintelligence work. After all, they get sent to exotic foreign locales to work for the shadily rich. From what better post could one pick up nuggets of valuable information? So there’s an even better reality show for you: Secret Agent Undercover Supernannies. Have trouble with child behaviour beyond all the security? Let’s marry an old and new reality show and call it Secret Agent Undercover Nannies 911. Or let’s take the show to Canada, and call it Canada’s Worst Evasive Driving Secret Agent Undercover Supernannies of Rosedale 911.

No wonder today’s nanny is thought of as such a highly skilled professional. But she is not Superwoman. She comes with no warranty that she has even heard, let alone memorized, Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious or A Spoonful of Sugar. The thought of that is something quite atrocious.

dsimmonds@wellingtontimes.ca