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Typewriter or lathe?
When it comes right down to it, there are two types of people in this world—them that eats corn on the cob typewriter style, and them that eats it lathe style. Or, if you prefer, them that eats it across, and them that eats it around.
Well, new research coming from Nebraska State University suggests that the way a person eats his corn on the cob can tell you a lot about his character. We spoke to lead researcher Dr. Calvin Husque about the project.
“We took a hundred people, and put them in a room and just told them to eat as much corn on the cob as they wanted. We observed them through a high-resolution video setup. And, sure enough, the people split into about 55 per cent typewriters and 42 per cent lathers. The other three per cent are still out there eating corn so far as I know. But that’s not all we did. We also took an exit survey of the eaters’ personal preferences and habits, and cross-referenced them to the individual’s eating style.”
And the results have set the corn world abuzz with the implications.
“What we found,” said Dr. Husque, “is that there is a very high correlation between certain personality traits and corn eating style. Gender-wise, it was neutral: men and women split down the middle when it comes to corn on the cob. But among men, those who parted their hair on the left hand side—by that I mean stage left—were 16 per cent more likely to be typewriters than lathes. And with women, those with curly hair were 21 per cent more likely to choose round eating than across eating. Our mathematical models have been tested and statistically verfied, and those are significant anomalies.”
But just what do these findings suggest? “The only thing I can think of,” says Dr. Husque, “is that there is something in the scalp that is very sensitive to corn on the cob; and that it triggers adhesion to a particular eating style. Of course, that’s just early speculation: we’ll have to apply for funding for another research progam to get to the bottom of that one.”
“But it is interesting, isn’t it?” says Dr. Husque. “Just imagine if corn-eating style was predictive of future behaviour. What would happen if we could prove that men who ate lathe style and who parted their hair on the right (stage right) also tended to prefer wearing grey to any other colour? Or that women who ate typewriter style and who had straight hair tended, out of all statistical proportion, to wear sensible footwear? Then we’d really be on to something. Think of the marketing opportunities.”
The Nebraska corn research community has seen its phones ringing off the hook, with reporters keen to get an interview with a member of the Husque team, or to snag a criticial comment from an able outsider. Dr. Husque himself has appeared on both breakfast (Morning Joe) and late night (Jimmy Kimmel) television to present his results. And that is not all: there is a movement afoot to nominate him for the Nobel Prize in Agriculture. Husque, of course is quite modest about the subject, although he did admit that he would look forward to a trip to Sweden “I’m sort of off corn on the cob myself at the moment,” he indicated; “After closely studying people who eat it until they’re stuffed, I just can’t bring myself to eat it. Besides, maybe I’d meet Bob Dylan.”
Dr. Husque is already deep into his next research study. Building on his initial work, he is looking at whether salt and butter preferences correlate to anything. This time, he is taking on some 400 participants. “We’ve got four control groups we’re working with,” he says, “salt and butter, salt only, butter only and au naturel. Wouldn’t it be something we found that a typewriter eater with a left hand (stage left) part and who ate corn with butter only was likely to be a bad musician!”
And after that? “I would have thought you’d have guessed that one by now,” he said, his eyes twinkling in the Nebraska morning dew. “Popcorn, of course. You’ve got your fistful eaters and your one-by-one eaters, your sharers and your selfies, your spillers and your balancers…”
Thanks for the interview, Dr. Husque: you’re a very busy man. You’ve made me think twice about the right eating style for me. And we’d better let you get back to your lab to look for those three lost overstuffed corn eaters.
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